Last Thursday night Freshman Doyle Matheson admitted in conversation with a member of the opposite sex that he was “really into sports.”
“Ladies love guys that are really into sports,” said Matheson, “which explains why I get it in on the regs.”
As evidence of his love of sports, Matheson receives ESPN updates to his iPhone, protected by his New York Yankees case, purchased at a mall kiosk for $20. He also claims his favorite show is SportsCenter, his favorite store is Dick’s Sporting Goods, his favorite song is Rock ’n’ Roll Part 2 and his favorite activity is, you guessed it, sports. A close second, he says, is slamming hoes.
“Right before we’re about to bone, girls usually ask me what my favorite thing about sports is, and it’s tough because I’m really into sports so it’s hard for me to pick, just because I have so much knowledge on the topic,” said Matheson, “If I had to choose though I’d probably have to choose between the games or defense. As far as boning goes though, I hate defense. If you know what I’m saying.”
Despite his undeniable enthusiasm, there has been speculation regarding just how into sports Matheson really is. During the World Series game, he was spotted doing laundry (washing his numerous sports jerseys), and other self proclaimed sports fans have reported atypical antics for a guy that is truly really into sports.
“Last weekend he came into my room and asked me how many games there were until the college football playoffs started,” said Matheson’s neighbor Scott Thomas. “When I called him out on it, he just started naming off the Super Bowl champion teams dating back to 1972 and then ran out of the room, saying he had to ‘go have sex or whatever’. I’m starting to think he’s not really into sports.”
Also under question is how much slamming of the hoes Matheson actually does. There have been no reports of any hoes being slammed, nor have any chicks claimed to have been boned by him. The only confirmation of sexual activity on Matheson’s behalf was confirmed by his middle school girlfriend, Christiana DeVough who claims they macked hardcore during Mission Impossible III and once his hand almost touched her boob.
The holes in Matheson’s front leaves friends, peers and even his own parents with one lingering question: if Doyle Matheson isn’t really into sports and having sex with women, why would he have claimed to be?
“Listen,” said Matheson, “Whether my overbearing masculinity intimidates you, or makes you mad jealous, it’s like, no fucks given, bro. I mean, I’m a heterosexual man’s man. Which means I don’t need to explain myself to anyone, now leave me alone I think a sports game is on.”
At this juncture everyone is just pretty sure Doyle is a piece of shit.