Feeling guilty about defacing campus property during your night of binge drinking? Concerned someone may find out about the fire alarm you pulled at 4 AM following another round of Keystone Light and Captain Morgan? Or are you paranoid your RA can smell the pot seeping from your room? Stuff your sins in a cup! That’s right, grab a cup of coffee and receive eternal redemption!
Students from the Christianity is Right, Everything Else is Wrong (CREEW) organization spent a day outside Brady Commons handing out free coffee hoping to spread their message. Just an added perk of being a student at MU, but low-and-behold, there’s method to the madness. On the outside of the cup was the name of the chosen one; the alpha and omega.
Just when you took a sigh of relief upon graduation from St. Crazy Strict’s Catholic High, the Messiah wasn’t quite ready to let you into the craziness of a public university. “JESUS” was painted around the cup. A little intimidating to most students, kind of like the idea of an all-seeing eye on the dollar bill. Big Brother isn’t the only one watching you.
“I’d come home from school once a week with a very apparent ruler-induced slap mark across my face, back and asscheeks. Sister Tabby hated me ever since I put a cherry bomb in our pastor’s private toilet in sixth grade. I was really excited to finally graduate and head to a public university like Mizzou where I could escape my 81 prayers for the Rosary, and the only Hail Mary’s I’d witness were the ones on the football field,” freshman Joseph Francisco said.
The overwhelming scoffs at the organization’s attempt to spread their message could be heard from atop Memorial Union. Some, however, welcomed the so called Redemption-In-A-Cup.
“Off the record, I felt relieved. I got this coffee, and while it was a decent brew, I was really excited to be holding something so holy. I feel truly liberated from my darkest sins. I’ve killed too many prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto lately and it really keeps me awake at night,” sophomore Mary Redder confessed.
“I’m probably going to save my sanity and transfer to TCU or a private Catholic school. Let’s be honest, I’m never going to escape the church and those wretched memories,” Francisco said as he finished his free coffee and deposited the empty container into a bush outside Ellis Library.