A recent study conducted by the University of Missouri revealed a new trend in the business world where companies are making employment decisions based on the clothing that applicants wear.

The study, conducted over an eighteen-month period, yielded unexpected results for the researchers. “The most important traits for hiring new employees have pretty much remained the same over the last forty years or so,” said head researcher Callie Reeder. “We anticipated responses like ‘responsibility,’ ‘cooperation,’ etc. No one really even considered ‘brand of clothing’ as a legitimate character trait.”

Nicholas Pastel, CEO of Douchesoft Industries, was one of the three thousand representatives surveyed in the study, and one of the most outspoken individuals in favor of brand discrimination. “Let me tell you something right now: if some dweeb walks in here looking for a job wearing an American Eagle shirt, he might as well go kill himself, because he ain’t getting any job worthwhile,” he said. “You see this Polo guy on my shirt? Ever seen the movie Braveheart? This logo means that I could declare prima nocta if you were getting married to some nerd girl – at tops a 4.”

Much like a pervert in the melon section of the grocery store, employers haven’t been able to keep their hands off of brand-savvy applicants. “I honestly didn’t think that I would get my job,” said Mizzou grad Wilson Everett. “When I stood up to leave, the guy saw the whales on my Vineyard Vines Twill Club pants – he offered me the spot right then and there. I couldn’t even remember the company or the position that I was applying for.” Everett later went on to say that he had the pants custom-embroidered with the whales, because he “wanted everyone to know how much better [he was] than them.”

Some individuals have faced the ugly side of brand discrimination. Frank Oedipus, a former Rainbow Technologies employee and PhD student, was fired specifically because of his clothing. “I was at a company picnic, and my boss noticed how soft my t-shirt was,” he said. “I told him that I’d gotten it from Target, and he just stared at me. Everyone did, someone even cut the music like in those dumb teen movies. All he said was: ‘Get the fuck out of here.’ I found out that I’d been fired the next day.”

Oedipus sought legal counsel from local attorney Lucifer Voldemort, but was unable to file suit. When Voldemort was asked about the case, he said: “There’s no way that I’d represent that guy if he’s going to dress like some peasant boy. I’m the premier attorney in Boone County. These pants cost nine-thousand dollars – come on!”

As trends in the business world continue to change, the important message to take away is that it no longer matters how educated or qualified an individual is. You could be a blind seeing-eye-dog, but if you’re wearing a polo shirt, then your job is safe.