This past Monday Chancellor Brady Deaton opened his house to the public, offering views of his ostentatious and overwhelming Christmas decorations. Brimming with memories, alumni walked the halls of the house with their insolent children in tow, making certain to glance back every once in a while to remind their child that this was their future. Students huddled in corners, surreptitiously gobbling down the delicacies placed at the kitchen table when they deemed no one was looking.
They were also biding their time, these students with their insatiable hunger. Biding their time for the real open house that was to happen after the alumni shooed their uninterested children away from the grotesquely ornamented trees.
Nine o’clock was when the Chancellor reopened his house for an exclusive student open house. The invitation list was small, but the knowledge of it had traveled by word of mouth.
What students saw upon entering shocked and excited them. “I was like”¦ whoa,” said junior Aaron Leigh.
The trees were strung with condoms instead of garlands, which students did not hesitate to pluck off. The punch from before had been replaced with a strangely colored drink labeled on a placard: “juice originating from the Amazon.” Fake tiger heads had been mounted on the walls with wreaths adorning their brows and, if the button beside them were pressed, joyously sang the Frosted Flakes theme song.
Shannon Hanie, sophomore, said she wasn’t impressed with the lavish decorations. “I was kind of meh about the whole thing. But then”¦ I walked into one of the back rooms expecting like a prostitute Santa or something, but it was a badass dance room – a rave! And that’s when I realized that Chancellor Deaton was the shit. An old shit, but still the shit.”
The party appeared to have been a success. Students were seen wandering the streets around three in the morning, stumbling their way back to dorms and occasionally peeing in the bushes. One student was reported to have been holding a conversation with one of the tiger heads until the chancellor himself half-carried the talkative youth home.
When Deaton heard that we were covering this story, he asked us if we truly wanted to reveal such a controversial event that could land him in trouble. We regurgitated something about those damn codes of ethics Chuck Davis taught us. “Well, to be clear, all I wanted was to get on the students’ level,” he said as way of explanation. “Sorry not sorry.”
Not to worry, Chancellor, the students have your back. “Dude I would go ape shit on anyone who tried to can Brady, dude. And I mean really throw some shits from an ape. At people,” threatened senior Ed Tansley.
When asked about future parties, Deaton smiled and declined to comment. Clearly he’s hiding something. Which means there will, most likely, be a future rager at the chancellor’s house ““ maybe the next time Mrs. Deaton is out of town.