Only a few days after the second Presidential debate between President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney, the third debate was cancelled and will be replaced with the first ever Presidential Cage Fight.
The United States Debate Organizer Squad (USDOS) conceived the idea after watching Romney and Obama exchange trash talk during the previous debate, which was set-up in a “town hall” format.
“We thoroughly enjoyed watching Obama zing Romney on his so-called ‘five point plan’ and we noticed the candidates get pretty heated,” USDOS Spokesman Nick Lawrence said. “And things got better once Romney attacked Obama’s ideas on healthcare and we just couldn’t resist the idea of a wrestling match between the two.”
The cage match, which will take place on October 22, will be structured similarly to a WWE match, except that the violence will almost be completely unscripted.
“I personally like the idea of giving Romney a good ass-whooping,” Obama said. “The way he was talking to me in the last debate really pissed me off.”
Romney is also incredibly willing to partake in the old-fashioned wrestling match, especially since he believes this will appeal to young voters.
“Teenagers and first-time voters love absurd and over-the-top violence,” Romney said. “Win or lose, this can only benefit me.”
Obama’s tag team, including Vice President Joe Biden, has practiced some of the most painful wrestling moves, including the pile drive, ankle lock, and even the questionably legal Samoan Drop.
“We’ve got a few ladder moves in there, too,” Biden said. “My personal favorite move that [Vice President candidate] Paul Ryan won’t even see coming is when I hit him over the head with a chair. It’s going to be hilarious.”
Obama’s personal favorite move is climbing up a ladder and yelling out “How’s this for trickle down economics?” and jumping off onto Romney’s chest.
“I did P90X and I’m sexy,” Ryan said. “We’ll have the women on our side after they see me wrestling with my shirt off.”
Romney also has his arsenal of “zingers” ready for the match.
“There’s one move where I scream out ‘YOU BETTER HOPE OBAMACARE CAN COVER THIS’ and I poke Obama in the eyes,” Romney said. “The crowd will love it.”
The USDOS has announced that its moderator (or referee in this case) will be Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson, who is free to take as many cheap shots as he can.
“The USDOS told me outright to pretend to be a referee and then just jump in and beat the crap out of the two candidates,” Johnson said. “I climbed Mount Everest with a broken leg. Don’t underestimate my tenacity.”
Johnson said his greatest zinger would be him grabbing Biden, yelling, “I’m about to give you a taste of the gold standard,” and pile-driving him into the mat.
When Obama was asked if he had any final words to say before the big match, all he could quote was legendary WWE wrestler Booker T.
“CAN YOU DIG IT…SUCKA?” Obama said.