The gods have bestowed upon me a unique quest: it is my privilege and duty to profess mine allegiance towards the great mythical beast known as the dragon, in order to prove that it is the superior mythical creature amongst this potpourri of challengers. With this being said, it is important that I do not acknowledge what the other competitors are, because I don’t remember them off the top of mine own head.

So yea dragons – there’s tons of different types first off. You’ve got your standard run-of-the-mill fantasy dragons like Smaug from The Hobbit or that badass one from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. You’ve got your Chinese dragons, which possess a sexy serpentine quality that would arouse even the staunchest of republicans. These guys are all fine and dandy, but what I really prefer is the non-threatening dragons. We’re talking about something along the lines of the Dragon Tales characters – more non-threatening than a Will Smith rap (too easy?) Yes, I think everyone knows which dragon I’m talking about. Puff the Magic Dragon.

Sure he’s featured in a kids’ song. Yes it sounds a lot like they’re talking about smoking weed. To be honest I’m not really sure whether that’s what the song is about or not – I’m too lazy to even check Wikipedia. But! Let me reassure you that for the sake of my argument, we’ll assume that Puff the Magic Dragon is the highest, dopest, most respectful drug-dealing dragon since Dringolith the High.

Why is Puff so much better than all of the other shmucks in this competition? When was the last time that you could “hang out” with the Abominable Snowman? Does that clown even exist? We can all be certain that Puff exists – he’s in a song that’s over forty years old. Even the Casey Anthony jury can’t deny that evidence.

Now I’ve never done drugs before, but I can assure you that if I was going to, I’d want to smoke with Puff the Magic Dragon. Why? Well you can be assured that he’s almost always got some funky stuff on him. That’s a given. But if you delve a little deeper into the history of Puff the Magic dragon, you’ll see that he’s MAGIC. How gnarly would that be if you’re sitting there, tripping on a cloud and falling eight miles high, and your boy starts conjuring shit up?

Let’s not look past the other attributes that Puff would contribute. He can breathe fire, can do some magic or stuff, and yea. That’s really all that I have for this argument. If anything else, his song is featured in Meet the Parents and in your childhood memories. There it is.