Reports indicate that a University of Missouri student was diagnosed with the disease known as scurvy late Friday night, and that he is denying claims that he is a pirate.
Scurvy is a mostly historical disease caused by a deficiency in vitamin C, but could also be brought on by a diet lacking in nutritional content. “Usually you see cases of scurvy pop up in third-world countries, like Somalia or Ethiopia,” said Doctor Jefferson Buckland. “In this individual’s case, it’s very apparent that he treated his diet much like I treat my red-headed stepchild: as if it never existed.”
The student, Jerry Fulton, was completely shocked by the prognosis that he was given. “I thought that I’d always been really careful with my diet,” he said. “I ate a box of blueberry Poptarts a few days ago, that should have covered me right?” Jerry later went on to say that he “wasn’t a pirate, despite [his] eye patch and hooks-for-hands.”
Fulton, a sophomore at Mizzou, opted not to live in the dormitories for his second year in school. Choosing to live at Rolling Rock, Jerry’s parents decided not to pay for a meal plan. “Looking back on it, this is probably one of the worst decisions that we’ve ever made,” said mother Cindy. “If I had known that he’d stop eating food with nutritional value in it, then I would’ve at least sent him an Edible Arrangement or something.”
Not all were sympathetic to Jerry’s cause. Chancellor Brady Deaton reacted rather poorly to the diagnosis. “Let me tell you all something right now: if you think that Brady Deaton is just going to sit back and let pirates molest our campus like a pervert in a Bugs Bunny costume, then you’re dumber than you look,” said Deaton. “I’ve hated pirates ever since I saw the second and third Pirates of the Caribbean movies. The first one was so great, then the second one disappointing. And then the third on was just…dick.”
It is clear to Jerry’s doctors now that it was only a matter of time before the disease struck. “His diet was absolutely atrocious – who eats sugar packets for breakfast?” said Buckland. “I hate this kid more than my stepson Reggie. I would honestly rather watch ten hours of the TV show Becker before spending time with Reggie – and Becker is terrible. Do you get what I’m trying to say here?”
Fulton’s parents have arranged for him to meet with a dietician three times a week, in order to prevent any further damage to his body. “We have a strict diet plan that Jerry is going to stick to. It’s called ‘Don’t be jackass.’ All you have to do is not be a jackass – as in, eat fruit every now and then – and you will do just fine,” said dietician Craig Morse. “Am I worried that he won’t stick to the plan? If he doesn’t, then at least I don’t have some shitty stepchild to take care of.”