The University of Missouri bookstore released a statement last night regarding a backlash of disapproval, stating that their textbook return policy has always been fair and that “Twenty dollars is a pretty decent return” for most textbooks.

For many students, the end of the year came from out of nowhere, mauling motivation to study whilst crippling the money supply of countless individuals. Without said disposable income, students have been robbed of their one remaining motivator to get through finals: alcohol. “I’d be totally fine with finals if I had the money to spend on alcohol afterwards,” said a Mizzou freshman that insisted to be called “Big Jimmy.” “My parents spent good money on my textbooks – it’s only fair that I get a decent return on them so that I can spend it on alcohol.”

Amidst the most recent recession, some undergrads have had to resort to dire measures in order to get their money’s worth. “You know what kind of vodka I had to buy last night? Taaka,” said sophomore Sara Ringlett. “I started throwing up as soon as I took a drink. It was all that I could afford – the bookstore gave me five dollars for ten books, and I bought butthole-flavored vodka.”

Over the years, the University bookstore has earned the reputation of being more miserly than an Armenian gypsy. While some employees accept that they’re ripping students off, others maintain that they’re putting on a fair business. “We here at the University bookstore want to reiterate that we are looking out for the best interest of the students,” said manager Bill Dingus. “Those four-hundred page, two-hundred dollar spiral-bound textbooks aren’t returnable because we may release a new edition the next semester. How lost would you feel if your textbook didn’t have the necessary punctuation revisions in it? I rest my case.”

Recently, comparisons have been drawn between the bookstore and various other merchandise buy-back institutions. Some students have even resorted to burning books in front of the store in protest, calling the bookstore the “Bernie Madoff of higher education textbook buy-back schemes.” Richard Butts was able to elaborate on the group’s cause, and their poor name-calling. “We just want to bring the important issues to light here,” said Butts. “I sold back a hundred page, sixty-dollar book and got five bucks for it. These guys are less willing to give out than my seventh grade girlfriend.”

In order to clear his name, Bernie Madoff said in a separate interview that he was “appalled at even being associated with that [MU Bookstore] scum.”

All things considered, it appears to be that the bookstore won’t be changing any time soon. “We’ve run a very successful program here at the University,” said Dingus. “It’s called the ‘$20 Plan.’ However much you spent on your books is irrelevant – because no matter what you’re not getting more than twenty.”

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