• This year marks the 340th birthday of American cheese. Instead of celebrating however, the attention of American cheese and all those who love it will be centered about the ongoing court case between Americanâ??s long divorced parents, Swiss and Cheddar.

â??I thought things had settled down,â? American said. â??I was so sure that Iâ??d be able to move on from this. But I guess not.â?

An interesting recent development has surfaced: Swiss has finally sued Cheddar for child support. Swiss won full custody in the now infamous 1825 court case. Cheddar gets one supervised visitation day every two weeks.

â??I didnâ??t want it to come to this,â? Swiss said. â??Things didnâ??t have to be this way, but a girls has to do what a girl has to do. Itâ??s not going to be pretty. I know that. But this had to happen.â?

It is presumed that the lawsuit came about as Cheddarâ??s popularity, and thus his profit margin, continued to rise while Swissâ?? stayed disappointingly stagnate. The lawsuit, which was filed at the end of 2011, has finally made it to court.

â??I canâ??t say that I was shocked,â? Cheddar said. â??I always knew this would be the type of thing Swiss could do. I could see right through her.â?

Though the lawsuit only directly affects the three aforementioned individuals, many family members feel torn by the present situation. The most hurt indirectly hurt by it may be Swissâ?? brother and Cheddarâ??s biggest competitor, Mozzarella.

â??Itâ??s really a very tough spot to be in,â? Mozzarella said. â??I love Swiss, but Cheddar and I have always had such a friendly competition going. I donâ??t want our competition to be marred by the lawsuit, but I also donâ??t want to see Swiss not get what she deserves.â?

Mozzarella reportedly went on a basil-and-tomato bender last week, resulting in a hospital visit. Mozzarella has since been released from the hospital, but is being monitored most hours of the day.

Cheddarâ??s half-brother Pepper Jack and cousin Feta were both unavailable for comment. Pepper Jack has been in prison for eight years and will be for many more years since being caught with a pound of cocaine in 2003. Feta has been hard at work trying to boost Greek Salad sales, in a fighting attempt to save the countryâ??s economy.

Regardless, it appears that nobody is hurt quite like American.

â??I wish my parents could just talk things out. I miss hanging out with both of them. Grilled Cheese used to be such a diverse, flavorful sandwich, and now that I can only do it with one of them, things just arenâ??t the same.â?