The riot began at approximately 6 p.m. and lasted until early Wednesday morning. Campus police reported over 5 million participants in the riot, which is over 50 times the population of Columbia.
“We weren’t sure what to do,” Police Chief Michael Wewis said. “I just told my men to push through it, kind of like what the Campus Basement writers do on a weekly basis when they write mediocre stories.”
Chief Wewis said that the incident is an ongoing investigation. Early theories suggest that the riots began when several sorority girls discovered recently published content on the Campus Basement page.
“I was in there when it happened,” freshman goober Geoffrey Holmes said. “They started taking their tops off and screaming about how turned on they were. It – it was magical.”
Holmes later suggested that he was interested in writing for Campus Basement and made a point to say that it wasn’t because of the topless girls. The Campus Basement staff cannot vouch for the validity of his statement.
After hearing the news, the band Led Zeppelin reformed and arrived to play an impromptu concert. The concert, which was put on outside of Cornell Hall, even featured John Bonham, who reportedly rose from the dead to play the show.
Bill Murray, legendary actor/comedian/badass, was named Grand Marshall for the unprepared celebration. While he declined an official comment, Murray said that nobody would believe that he was actually there and proceeded to click his heels together and disappear into thin air.
Among other events, participants in the riot witnessed a naked mud-wrestling contest, a free drug handout, and a kegger featuring more than 3000 kegs. Reports indicate that each keg was filled with Blue Moon, which means that it was a pretty sick party.
A 2-hour standing ovation was given to the Campus Basement staff outside of Jesse Hall. Each writer was given a golden crown that read “Greatest Human Being Ever.”
“It was a pretty cool party,” Photo Editor Scott Andrews said. “Not the best one that I’ve been to, but easily top 15.”
Chancellor Brady Deaton made an announcement regarding the incident early Wednesday morning from Wolpers Hall, where he allegedly passed out during the riot.
“Last night was such a great time that we’ve decided to cancel school today,” Deaton said, who was covered in inappropriate language written in permanent marker. “Does anybody wanna drive me Waffle House? Playa gotta get some waffles to fight this hangover, ya dig?”
Ellen Sherman, the Campus Basement regional director, wasn’t surprised by the community’s reaction.
“Honestly, we expected it,” she said. “My favorite part was when they played “Party in the USA” on loop for 2 hours. Best song ever.”