Albert Coholic, a sophomore business major, gave blood at Mizzou’s annual homecoming blood drive. Coholic said that he has been waiting all year to make his donation.
“I care a lot about the welfare of others and shit,” he said. “But my biggest incentive to go this year wasn’t the free food or the free t-shirt or that my fraternity made me – it’s that I got really really drunk for cheap right after I donated.”
According to the American Red Cross, individuals that donate blood shouldn’t perform vigorous exercise or consume alcohol for at least 24 hours after their contribution. Each year, some students elect to drink alcohol immediately after donating and get totally wasted on like two beers.
“It’s not uncommon at all, that’s the only reason why I donate,” sophomore Lizzie Rendel said. “I came to college to get f—ed up, not to help people out, or God forbid, learn.”
Word about Coholic’s decision reached several members of the homecoming steering committee. While some were disturbed by the information and condemned the actions, others were just happy that students are excited about donating.
“We’ve been working around the clock organizing this event,” steering committee member Vegetable Roberts said. “If people die from alcohol poisoning, but their blood saves another person’s life, then we see that as a victory. It’s kinda like ‘take a penny leave a penny,’ only much funnier.”
Other students defended Coholic’s decision to gamble with death. Many students feel that the overwhelming cost of higher education can be counterbalanced by getting drunk in the most inexpensive ways possible.
“School is incredibly expensive, and for someone like me, it’s hard to pay for everything without support,” sophomore Erin Staczxyxyak said. “Between payments to my drug dealer and bi-daily trips to Trops, my expenses add up. I count this as a win for college students everywhere.”
Reports indicate that after donating, Coholic returned to his fraternity and consumed a shot and a beer and passed out an hour later, all for less than 2 dollars.
“I’m going to look back on this day and remember how much money I saved,” Coholic said. “If I could donate blood every day, I would. I’d be a millionaire by 25 with all the money that I’d save on booze.”
The American Red Cross released a statement Monday through the university requesting that students choose not to follow in Coholic’s footsteps.
“We were almost unable to take his donation, but had to in the end,” American Red Cross representative Bradley Lood said. “His blood was already full of alcohol, but not enough to turn him away. Whoever gets this kid’s blood is going to be totally shwasted after the transfusion.”