Ben Beyer, a junior at MU, claims that he began balding his senior year of high school. After learning that his head was naturally nairing itself, he said that decided to move on and build a life for himself that wasn’t based on his outward appearance, like an ugly person would.
“It’s really not that big of a deal,” Beyer said. “Seriously, like, I don’t care. I don’t know why a newspaper would do a story about something like this.”
Beyer, who is a member of the fraternity Alpha Sigma Sigma, said that he is often bullied by his fraternity members for having a head more barren than Mitt Romney’s soul, which is weird because they’re all ultra-conservative.
“You would never make fun of somebody for being cross-eyed or morbidly obese or if they had a big nose, so why make fun of somebody that’s bald?” Beyer said. “Those are bad examples, but you see what I mean.”
Beyer said that he first noticed his hair falling out after he had watched an episode of “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody.” After seeing that 12-year-olds had more hair than him, Beyer reportedly slipped into a depression deeper than Tim Tebow’s desire to win.
“It was really pathetic to see that,” Geoff Geary, a childhood friend of Beyer’s, said. “Sometimes he would just stare at a picture of Ashton Kutcher and weep. I’m not entirely sure where he got that picture, or why he had it to begin with.”
While Beyer insists that it “really isn’t that big of a deal,” and that he “likes being bald, because it’s less hassle,” he has acknowledged that he hasn’t been able to get a date with a girl since his junior year of high school.
“I try to avoid walking behind girls late at night when I’m leaving the bars,” Beyer said. “They automatically presume that I’m some kind of pervert or something. I may be into some weird shit, but you shouldn’t assume that just because I’m bald.”
Kelly O’Hurlihan, a friend of Beyer’s on campus, said that she considered dating Beyer until he took his backwards hat off.
“He’s really cute and smart and has a great personality and everything that a girl would ever want in a guy,” she said. “But once he took that hat off, it was like he went from Brad Pitt to John Malkovich. I want guys with flow and nothing else.”
Beyer maintains that he isn’t at all bothered by the insults, derogatory comments, and general hatred towards his well-being.
“Seriously, it’s really not that big of a deal,” he said. “Do I want a baby wipe for my head? Of course, I would love one, thank you.”