A recent exam in Psychology 1000 proved not only do Professor Richard Stevenson’s students have absolutely no grasp on general psychology, but they are also unable to read and spell even the simplest of words.
This only came as some what of a shock to Stevenson and his Teaching Assistants, as they cannot read or spell either.
“I just copy my essay questions off an online database and recite other professors lectures that they posted online verbatim,” Stevenson said. “One of the questions I selected was ‘compare and contrast the concept of subjective well being versus the adaptation level phenomenon’ and a student of mine students replied, ‘feje ports jyibnon.’ That didn’t sit right with me. I don’t think that’s English.”
Stevenson teaches the honors section for discussion. Having no real knowledge of the field of psychology, leading a conversation about it may seem like a daunting task, but being the accomplished professor that he is, Stevenson still manages to engage the students in a thoughtful discourse.
“Most of the time professor Stevenson just makes watch YouTube videos of alternative/hip-hop mash-ups set to scenes from Melrose Place—the Ashlee Simpson version,” Barter said. “Since he has to put something in for grades he tells us to write a paragraph on whether or not any of the videos ‘tricked us out’, psychologically. He says there are no wrong answers,” said Sophomore Julian Barter.
We asked Barter if we could publish one of his responses. He happily obliged, stating, “He never collects them. Even if he did, he wouldn’t know what to do with it. He can read about as well as I can.”
On a crumpled piece of motel stationary, Barter scribbled,
“O bon’re chellings dints fermonce. Jentis bellingnant cheriea deltaco. Brelle clarge juggalo terrany bin testoil ge feller. Ko botane Hootie and the Blowfish vs. Pitbull geap brent fince fe gillce. Ge beel fensey Heather Locklear.”
We were informed that this response received a 30/30. So how do illiterate professors like this slip through the cracks? As it turns out, they aren’t really cracks. Or crevices even. The screening process for prospective educators is a kin to a canyon or some sort of gorge. The Director of Hiring at the University of Missouri, Tara Rickets is illiterate as well, which makes the important job of reviewing resumes and verifying credentials a difficult one.
“I hired Richard because he took me out to Applebee’s,” Rickets said. “All he had to do was order the grilled chicken wonton tacos and he was in. Let’s just say he passed the test.”
“The Applebee’s menu is basically the only thing I can make literary sense of,” Stevenson said. “That and those lolcat memes. That stuff is hilarious. I’ve found that is all you really need to get by.”
As ridiculous as it seems, he may be right. No one can read or spell anymore, making literacy essentially pointless. After all, this entire article was just the result of an online random phrase generator. Stunned unto doom, brother. Across jellyfish tenth dropped, lay equalize delicious distinguish.