Just after being reelected Tuesday night, the president addressed his hometown of Chicago, Ill., where he revealed his not-so-shocking secret.
“It is true, my fellow Americans, that I am indeed a Muslim-Terrorist-Antichrist,” Obama said. “I fooled all of you, and there’s nothing that any of you can do about it. You’re all going to die – muahahahahaha.”
The announcement left many in the crowd in disbelief as confused cries of anguish and even some laughter rang out into the night. To prove his point, Obama grabbed a child from the audience and sacrificed him upon an unholy altar. Witnesses said that the president drank the blood of the child and laughed maniacally during the entire unholy ceremony.
News networks like MSNBC and CNN scrambled to make sense of Obama’s announcement. Others, mostly just Fox News, aired an hour-long special about Obama’s secret immediately after the president spoke.
“I’ve got to admit, we filmed that story about nine years ago,” News Corporation chairman and CEO Rupert Murdoch said. “I’ve had my finger on that button for so long now. It feels good to finally be right, even if the world is coming to an end.”
While most at the “news” network spent their time gloating about actually getting something right, staff members at MSNBC struggled to make sense of the president’s revelation.
“I refuse to believe that he’s anything but perfect,” television show host Rachel Maddow said. “I will still stand behind our president even if he’s a Terrorist-Muslim-Antichrist, and I certainly don’t want to offend any other Terrorist-Muslim-Antichrists out there. Or is it Muslim-Antichrist-Terrorist?”
The announcement sent the country into utter disarray. Reports have indicated that poor people all over the country have taken rich people’s money, homes, and healthcare, while millions of Mexicans have crossed into U.S. borders and ruined literally everything.
“I knew that I should have rigged those electronic voting machines!” Texan Booker Gunsman said as Mexicans ripped the flesh from his bones. “The world will rue the day that Americans voted for four more years of Obamaaaaaaa!”
Mitt Romney discovered the news of Obama’s announcement early Wednesday morning while on his private spaceship en route to Mars.
“Hmm, well if we would have known that, we probably would have run our campaign a little differently,” Romney said. “Sucks for you guys, I’m on my way to Mars – should have voted for me because I built a colony there. Now it’ll just be up to me, my family, and all the other Mormons of the world to repopulate humanity.”
The end of the world is set to take place December 21, 2012. When asked why he wouldn’t at least let people celebrate Christmas one last time, Obama said, “Because I’m Muslim, that’s why.”