The fraternity, Alpha Sigma Sigma, made a decision Thursday to have every one of their members chip in $10 to buy beer for their tailgate.
“We wanted to have enough beer for all of the chicas,” member Alex Thumbson said. “It’s really the only way that we can get girls to our tailgate in the first place.”
Word about the communal beer plan worked its way through the house before it reached the lone ASS liberal, Granola Jones. After hearing about the plan, witnesses say that Jones (figuratively) exploded on his brothers.
“The hypocrisy is thicker than the pure peanut butter that I ground up fresh yesterday,” Jones said. “That stuff’s so thick I wouldn’t even put it where my dog would want it, if you know what I mean.”
The controversy stems from the fraternity’s desperate attempt to fit in with the rest of Greek life at Mizzou by imitating all “frat” stereotypes they can, including being politically ultra-conservative.
“These assholes hate anything about the Affordable Healthcare Act, which they call ‘Obamacare,’” Eric Brown said, a sociology professor at MU. “What they believe the AHA to be is everybody putting money in so that everyone else can benefit from the healthcare. Sound familiar?”
When confronted about the issue, several fraternity members found little to no similarities between the two concepts.
“They’re completely different and totally irrelevant,” Jim Greene said, a member of ASS. “We need girls to be there so that we can throw a sick tailgate, so we need beer to be there. It’s for the greater good, people don’t really need healthcare – what they need is to not be so poor.”
Not all members of ASS bought in to the plan. Several upperclassmen elected to bring their own beer to the tailgate, which sparked more controversy among the individuals taking part in the $10 plan.
“Yea there are a few guys that think they’re better than the rest of us because they’re bringing Bud Light and Bud Select to the tailgate,” fraternity President and 32-year-old Rick O’Neill said. “It’s not really fair to the rest of us who are drinking Natty Light – if I wanted to drink piss I’d just take a cup with me every time I went to the bathroom. I already do, but that’s not the point.”
Critics are saying that this drastic divide in thinking one thing and believing the other is the embodiment of individuals that are desperate enough to believe any philosophy so long as it makes them look cool. What it comes down to, though, is a simple argument between the significance of beer.
“It’s just beer,” hardcore fratter Seth Samson said. “The guys that don’t wanna chip in are being dicks about it.”
As a response Granola Jones said, “Good Lord it’s too obvious.”