Pissing in public whilst moderately intoxicated is nothing new. The body has a high level of urgency when removing potentially excessive amounts of alcohol. Combined with the fear of public scrutiny should one’s bladder evacuate prematurely in a public forum. Results include, but are not limited to, urinating on the sides of buildings and cars.

   Columbia takes no exception to this timeless phenomena. A keen eye can spot the drunkest citizens taking relief in a bush next to a historical monument. Here’s a list of the more significant bushes to pee on. (In no particular order of importance)

   These shrubs are a big no-no. While they are some of the most vibrant bushes on campus, they belong to the ROTC building. If you piss in these, you let the terrorists win.
    For the slightly overweight drunkards waddling through campus on a Friday night, eager to drain the main vein, look no further than the rows of shrubbery located outside the Student Recreation Complex. In fact, hold that blob of man-meat with one hand and raise the other with a middle finger to the front door of that skinny factory. Up yours, exercise.
   So you can’t take part in the Occupy Wall Street movements, but you want to fight back against corporate greed another way. Take your frustrations and lip-curling urges to hold back your wee to Cornell Hall. This is the cornerstone for MU’s School of Business. Complete with name tags to identify the bush you choose to soil, this collection of shrubbery is some of the finest on campus.

   You’re an alumni of the world-renown Journalism School. You just wanted to take an inebriated, post-midnight stroll through your old stomping grounds. However, you’re secretly frustrated with that laughable income your career path has brought unto you. Print media is your specialty, and unfortunately for you, the only one you’ve got. Evacuate your urethra onto this innocent shrubbery. Gaze through the tunnel that harbors two Ancient Chinese lion statues. Your tuition probably helped to keep those damn Ming-Dynasty era figurines, so you might as well enjoy the view.

   You either hate the idea of religion or are holding a private crusade to rid the world of all Episcopalians. Either way, these bushes provide the perfect outlet to express your distaste without starting a second holocaust.

   That stupid lawyer you hired to clear the DUI off of your record couldn’t hack it. He was so lousy he couldn’t convince the judge that 0.25 Blood Alcohol Content reading on the breathalyzer was due to equipment failure. Out of a job and nearly homeless because of that fateful night you chose to get behind the wheel, you visit this office and momentarily take solace in giving these law-abiding bushes an equipment failure of your own.

   Should your kidney’s help produce enough urine to visit all of these places in a single night, then have a drunken sight-seeing tour. This is just a small list. There are other bushes in this town that may equally deserve your bodily fluids. Good hunting my drunken companions.

**The author, MU Campus Basement and Campus Basement do not condone peeing in public or any sexual misconduct. Do this at your own risk. Legally registering as a sex offender sounds just as bad as catching an incurable STI.