Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, is a psychiatric and neurobehavioral disorder most commonly associated with inattentiveness. The disorder has grown in popularity over the last decade thanks to a combination of awareness for the disorder as well as poor parenting and lazy physicians.
Jeffrey Greene, a junior at Mizzou, admitted that he took his first adderall pill Saturday afternoon thanks to the mounting pressure in his finals schedule.
“I’ve always had trouble studying for final exams and tests,” Greene said. “I was amazed at how focused I was after that. I didn’t study my class material, but I did spend 14 hours on WebMD checking symptoms for ADHD, and turns out that I’ve got it.”
Adderall is the magic pill/Superdrug that is often prescribed to individuals that suffer from ADHD, and also has been known to boost students’ finals grades by at least 10 percent. While there are legitimate cases of individuals who suffer from ADHD, there are others who know how to manipulate the system.
“I told the doctor that I had trouble paying attention in class,” sophomore Michelle Drawer said. “When he was asking me questions, I just kept pretending like I was staring out the window. He saw that and gave me a handful of pills and told me to tell all of my friends about him.”
Drawer’s doctor is a prime example of the crippled health care industry, where physicians are reduced to being crummy pill pushers and prostate-examiners. Ironically, these are the exact same services that your local drug dealer could provide to you depending on the time and place of meeting.
“Being in charge of your own practice is no easy thing, let me tell you,” Dr. Deudeu said. “People are so neurotic about ADHD now, the number of individuals that I treat for it grows each month. One time, a couple came in with a 1-year-old who they said was “hyperactive” and had trouble focusing, so I told them to crush up the adderall and put it in the baby’s formula. Problem solved.”
Greene’s recent diagnosis led to an annoying obsession with ADHD and, as a result, Greene’s expulsion from the university after failing all of his finals. Greene believed that all of his professors collectively discriminated against his new condition.
“I intend to focus all of my attention on this fight for justice,” Greene said. “I refuse to accept that I’m a bad student or disinterested in the material. If anyone questions my resolve, they should know that I’ve got plenty of pills to help keep me focused.”