On Monday, Athletic Director Mike Alden announced that, due to MU’s move to the Southeastern Conference, some things had to change at Faurot Field. These changing included moving Marching Mizzou and changing the text in the end zones from “Missouri” to “Mizzou”. While most changes were relatively benign, one change carried a much bigger weight: as of next year, the visiting team’s section and the student section will be switched.
“We simply need to accommodate the fans from the other great programs in the SEC,” Alden said. “Their fans are going to travel to our games, buy more food, and stimulate, if you know what I mean, the local economy.”
Alden’s argument didn’t resonate with some students. Tiger’s Lair coordinators stood outside of his house Monday night protesting. Unfortunately, Alden’s point seemed largely validated when they were the only ones who showed up.
“This sucks! We won’t even have a home field advantage anymore!” one of the coordinators shouted in nobody’s direction.
University of Alabama Head Football Coach Nick Saban respected the decision. The Alabama Crimson Tide are the current defending National Champions.
“I think it was the right move by”¦ what’s that school again?” Saban said. “I’m sorry, all I see is dollar signs, crystal balls, and the broken hearts of ravaged opponents.”
The majority of the student body appeared to be at peace with the decision, as few were upset about it on Tuesday. In fact, it seemed that few even felt the decision affected their lives at all.
“We still have football games?” Anna Kin, a senior, said. “I haven’t been to one of those since like, freshman year. I just assumed we stopped playing. Maybe I should wait until after I get out of bed to start drinking on Saturdays from now on.”
Even the MU football team seemed relatively unfazed by the decision. Some players even saw it as a positive thing, one that would serve their interests well.
“Maybe nobody will notice if I duck out early,” James Franklin, Mizzou’s starting quarterback said. “I have a lot of homework sometimes, and those games take forever. I also assume these teams will have sufficiently crushed my morale after one quarter anyway.”
Chancellor Brady Deaton was contacted for comment on the article, but we were told he was too busy “rolling in a pile of millions of dollars” and would reply at a later juncture. This has not happened yet. We were also informed Head Football Coach Gary Pinkel was over at his house, and would be eating his supper there as well. He was, presumably, also rolling in the pile of money.