1. Kim Kardashian gives birth on live television, baby Kimye eats its way out of Kim’s uterus Twilight-style. Kris Jenner promptly sells the newborn’s life rights to E!.
2. Anne Hathaway punches Best Actress winner Jessica Chastain at the Oscars: “I SHAVED MY HEAD FOR THIS.”
3. Leonardo DiCaprio decides to move to daytime television after failing to win yet another Oscar in yet another Best-Picture winner.
4. New polytheisitic religion created, devoted to the worship and praise of One Direction.
5. Speaking of One Direction…Taylor Swift finally snaps after very public breakup with Harry Styles and has even more public nervous breakdown, undergoes therapy. First song upon release: “Maybe It’s Me.”
6. US falls over fiscal cliff, democracy implodes. Jay-Z and Beyonce officially named King and Queen of America.
7. Gangnam Style artist Psy wins Grammy, Mozart comes back from the dead only to hang himself.
8. Lady Gaga puts on more weight, music label literally brands her obsolete.
9. Amish horse and buggy mob carrying pitchforks and torches attempts to burn down TLC’s headquarters, forced to turn back at the site of cameras.
10. DCFS is finally called on “Dance Moms” star Abby Lee Miller and her rabid pack of housewives.