Actual U of M Warning
Cold weather is a terrifying time for pipes with regards to water, but warm weather brings a whole other realm of ramifications. Seamen. Wait that’s not it, excuse me, it’s semen. See, man; it’s simple. It’s simple, and a little bit dirty.
Living in the dorms is a time of freedom and exploration in a college student’s life, but this freedom is restricted. East Quad, the building itself, has seen too much freedom in recent years, especially in its steamy showers. With community showers come certain expectations. First and foremost is that you should wear sandals while showering; otherwise you’re a disguising barbarian and if this is you it’s time to accept that you are Conan and never shower. Secondly, and more painfully for East Quad, is that gentlemen need to control their urges.
Those dark, flirty little dirty, dreamy in the steamy, girlies in bikinis, urges. Allowing these cravings, these cloudy yearnings to win costs the University thousands in damages each year, but this year East Quad residents over blew their load. East Quad will be under renovation this spring due to a massive amounts of semen build up in the piping.
Although exact details are not known, scientists have hypothesized that the warmer weather along with horny freshman are to blame.
“When the weather gets hot, so do the pipes, and so does the stickiness. See, that stickiness along with the stronger trend to be sexual in warm weather as well as freshman failing to get laid is what contributed to the East Quad’s semen problem”, said a local German scientist.
School officials are outraged. Using University property for self-pleasure is strictly forbidden and heavily frowned upon. Although it is typical that some money be allotted to fishing out semen from dorm pipes each year, East Quad’s semen supply is going to cost more than ever imagined. All University employees declined to comment, but Boob the Builder, the construction worker who will head this renovation in the spring did have this to say:
“Man I haven’t seen that much splooge since I worked as Janitor at my dad’s dirty movie theatre when I was twelve years old. This is going to take some real deal money to remove, especially in that summer sun.”
Boob went on to share stories from his janitorial days, which were both nauseating and informative. He also stated that the University was thinking about installing stronger, slicker, piping to prevent this from reoccurring.
The University must spend the time and money into wooing East Quad’s pipe problem away, rather than just jerking it out. An advertisement campaign will be sure to follow with students passing out anti-shower-session flyers to excruciatingly loud techno music in the diag. Incoming students living in East Quad in future years will be happy to know that the pipes will be clear, and that it will be there time to honor University of Michigan shower policies.