Ann Arbor, Michigan – On Wednesday night thousands of students lined up outside of the Union to have a chance to get a ticket for “Remarks by President Obama,” despite the excruciatingly boring name. While some students couldn’t fathom the existence of times with only three digits (“You mean 17:00 AM, right?), let alone getting up at the ass-crack of dawn just to get sandwiched between 3,000 sleepy Grumperstiltskins, many Real Americans are excited to follow up a night of waiting outside with: a morning waiting outside. All of this in order to ensure that they can get good seats for the Obama concert.
The event is expected to be “raging” and as a precautionary act, the Obama Administration has contracted Phi-Psi to work the door at Glick Field House. Said Sam Howard of the Secret Service, “We know this shit is about to be the hottest spot on campus, so it’s very important that we have brothers on the porch letting guys know that they need to have at least five girls with them to see Obama.” A spokesperson from Phi-Psi remarked, “We’ll make sure that no GDI’s get to see the President. Also we’ll be having a pre-game starting at 4 AM. It’s gonna be nuts, ice luges, octabongs, kegs.” Phi-Psi is preparing for the task by taking double doses of Creatine and stocking up on Adderall so that they can work out and rage without having to go to sleep or compromise their ability to push back kids claiming to be friends with White House staffers (“Yeah, man, I’m friends with a guy in the Cabinet, John. John”¦um”¦John Cabinet?”).
With this new partnership between the White House and Phi-Psi, rumors have started to circulate about what this means for the future of the party scene at the University of Michigan. Social Chair Hilary Clinton is already planning mixers with Phi-Psi for the fall semester. Phi-Psi is reportedly very excited by the prospect of being wiener cousins with Bill Clinton.