The University of Miami proved that it clearly has a better football program earlier this week by destroying a used car, painted in Seminole maroon and gold. The vehicle received merciless beatings at the hands of sledgehammer-wielding students, faculty and alumni at the annual homecoming pep rally, and the aftermath has been immediate and severe.
After members of Florida State University received news of the car-smashing the school immediately went into full lockdown mode, as mass hysteria rocked the campus. Panicked students have been commanded not to venture outside their rooms and classes have been suspended indefinitely.
Said one terrified FSU student, “If those hooligans at Miami are capable of that amount of damage to one car imagine of how powerful their football team must be!”
Jimbo Fisher, head coach of the Florida State Football Team, spoke with ESPN Thursday: “The way the Hurricanes smashed that car has completely changed my game plan for Saturday’s game. I just sent the team an email telling them to all just lie motionless on the field in the fetal position. I read somewhere that this is a good strategy when dealing with dangerous situations. Hell, I’ve been doing it all week!”
*UPDATE: Fisher has reportedly locked himself in his bathroom and is refusing to come out, despite pleas from family and friends.
The Hurricanes, losers of two-straight heading into Saturday’s matchup, will no doubt benefit from this change in the Seminoles’ approach. Miami Coach Al Golden has kept a level-head amidst the uproar, releasing a statement to the media on Thursday stating his team had “put in a good week of practice” and that he felt confident about his team’s chances as long as they were able to “limit turnovers.”
News of the car-smashing has spread like wildfire, and early reports are saying the NCAA is calling for an end to their year-long investigation of the Miami athletic program. Association spokesmen have gone on record claiming “it was all a huge misunderstanding” and have courteously asked members of the university “to please have mercy on our souls.” The Hurricanes have since been granted “anti-sanctions,” which will vacate all losses over the last 15 years and will give them 21 extra points at the start of every game for the rest of the season.
Donna Shalala announced today that the University of Miami would without a doubt continue to smash things at future pep rallies.