Heeee’s Baraaacck! That’s right ladies and gentleman, President Barack Obama has made yet another trip down to the U—his 3rd visit in only 8 months…Coincidence? I THINK NOT! The Miami basement staff is determined to leave no ROCK unturned and to expose our President’s secret motives.
1. Love child with Donna Shalala
You heard it here first folks. Rumors have been circulating that Donna’s love of the President extends beyond a mere devotion to the President’s campaign. That’s right; according to inside information Obama may have fathered a love child with Shalala back in 2007 during his first visit to UM. Though no one can confirm the child’s existence, here is our best guess at what it looks like (Not nearly as horrifying as we thought). Obama has visited the U four times since 2007 and though Donna insists she keeps inviting him for “the students,” there are those who say she is really just making sure he keeps paying child support. Are Obama’s frequent visits to campus a mere coincidence, OR IS OBAMA A NO-GOOD DEADBEAT DAD? You decide!
2. Fountain of Swag
There are some who believe that Obama has been returning to the U in search for the legendary “Fountain of Swag” that is said to be located somewhere on campus. Members of the athletic program discovered the Fountain in 1983 in the summer before Miami’s first championship football season. According to hurricane lore, the Fountain was encrusted with precious stones of Orange and Green and would bubble with sweet, sweet liquid swag. But the secret entrance was mysteriously sealed off on January 2, 2002, on the eve of the ‘Canes controversial “loss” to Ohio State in the National Championship. After Obama’s lackluster performance in the Debate, he has been on a mission to “get his swagger back,” and it seems the U just might hold the answer he seeks.
3. Gathering an Army of Anthropomorphic (look it up) Creatures
Mitt Romney’s remarks in last week’s debate regarding his desire to stop the government funding of PBS caused outrage among the public broadcasting community. when he implied that the famous creatures on Sesame Street, Big Bird in particular, were going to be forced into unemployment under his plan. According to our sources Big Bird and Co. are not taking this threat lying down. Instead, they have started amassing a massive army of mascots and muppets in order to join forces with Obama in his campaign against Obama. According to whisperings in the anthropomorphic community, Sebastian the Ibis has stepped up into a leadership role within Big Bird’s army. You think Sebastian’s recent announcement to run for president was a joke? WRONG, it is really an elaborate ploy to steal votes away from Romney!
4. Student Bribes in Return for Facebook Bragging
Another popular theory is that students have been helping to lure Obama with under-the-table bribes, solely for the purpose of being able to brag to their friends and followers on Facebook and Twitter. According to studies, every time Obama has made a visit Facebook and Twitter political activity has skyrocketed, with thousands of Obama-related status updates and muploads of the President throwing up the “U,” all aimed at making their friends from home jealous. There are enough wealthy democrats at this school that this theory isn’t all that far-fetched. What’s more, Miami is starting to develop a rich culture of bribery…is Obama the new (insert any football player from the last 10 years) to our Nevin Shapiro?
5. Obama Just Wants to Go Grovin’
Hey, being the President is a very stressful occupation, what with having to worry about the faltering economy, Mitt Romney closing on him in the polls, and constant nagging from his wife about his diet and exercise regimen. There comes a time in every 50-something-year-old man’s life when he goes through a mid-life crisis, and it is very possible Obama is experiencing one right now. And what is a better way to celebrate a complete emotional and psychological breakdown than a thirsty Thursday night in the Grove? Though as of now there aren’t any pictures that can confirm whether or not he was getting sloppy at Mr. Frogs or ‘Cudas, there have been numerous reports of drunk girls claiming a weird, old black guy kept trying to hit on them with pick-up lines like, “Hey baby, guess what me and unemployment rates have in common? We both go down” and “Look my polls are rising! Oh wait, that’s just my D…”