It has become a Miami tradition to build up expectations of athletic greatness with promising pre-season outlooks and sparks of potential, only to crush the hopes and dreams of “Canes fans. From missed shots, to interceptions, and sometimes just a lack of trying, Hurricanes athletics has been a source of gut-wrenching disappointment for quite a few years now. Our fans (when they are present) tend to walk away from most games proclaiming: “I thought we were supposed to be good,” and “I guess it’s going to be another one of those “crying in the bathtub nights.’ “

While Miami fans have had considerable difficulty accepting the mediocrity of their favorite teams, members of the athletic department have begun to embrace the idea. The department has recently revealed a new slogan: “You can’t spell Underwhelming without the U.” Instead of teaching their players the value of teamwork and hustle, Hurricane coaches have started preaching the idea of “doing just enough to get by.” Said football coach Al Golden, “If I were to sum up my entire coaching philosophy it would be: Meh.”

However, earlier this month the U saw a break from tradition when the men’s basketball team defeated Duke, the number five team in the country, on their home turf for the first time in Miami history. While fans at the U rejoiced, the scene in the Miami locker room was a somber affair. “For some reason we were really clicking today,” said first year coach Jim Larranaga. ” I take full responsibility for this disgrace, and vow to make a journey to the Rock solid mediocrity of the past.”

If the coach wasn’t taking the win well, the team certainly wasn’t faring any better. Junior guard Durand Scott could be found sobbing quietly into his jersey, while senior Malcolm Grant repeatedly banged his head against his locker. Said senior center Reggie Johnson, who put up a disgracefully terrific 27 points against the Blue Devils, “If we make it to twenty wins this year, it’s very likely the entire team will lose their scholarships.”

In preparation for their upcoming match against UNC this Wednesday, the Hurricanes have declared that lightning will definitely not strike twice. Sources close to the program have stated that the “Canes have perfected their game plan of keeping within 3 points of their opponent until the two minute warning, where they would proceed to lose by a healthy 13 points. Said Larranaga, “We won’t communicate and we won’t work together. Hell, we won’t even put a full team out there! Frankly, we’ll do whatever it takes to make sure we get a berth in the NIT this March. Anything more than that is unacceptable.”