Last week, Marist officials announced that the SAT, one of
the most grueling tests to ever grace a high school student, will no longer be
relevant with regard to Marist’s admissions process.
Many current Marist students, who had to study for weeks to
get a score proficient enough to be admitted to Marist College, are frustrated
by the news.
“It’s bullshit,” said Mark Joseph, a sophomore who eked his
way into Marist with a 1560 SAT. “I studied my ass off for that test. Hell, I
threw up when I got out of there. And now these assholes coming in don’t have
to do shit.”
Said one prospective Marist student, “Man, they ain’t gon’
matter SAT score get me cause I smart as hell, shit. Don’t matter score, matter
intelligents and extracurriquler.”
Marist officials are also rumored to be expanding their new
policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to earlier years of a student’s life.
“We at Marist don’t see any reason to prohibit students from
attending our school just because they can’t spell or speak or color inside the
lines,” said President Dennis Murray. “We’re like the America of universities:
we’ll take the worst you’ve got.”
Added Murray, “We really, really need money.”