The end of first semester
is coming to a close, which can only mean one thing. Planning to make the same
bad decisions all over again next semester. Social chairs of fraternities and
sororities are in the process of meeting with one another to make their
respective schedules for the spring semester. Leaving out the subpar houses I’d
be embarrassed to even admit I was in, most schedules will be jam-packed with
plenty of opportunities for girls to dress like sluts and guys to not remember.

 

But am I the only one who
notices that every single date on the calendar is a mixer? I feel like I’m
taking crazy pills. What we refer to
as “parties” are referred to as “mixers” by any other respectable Greek life in
the country. Just ask your friends from home, unless they are all GDIs. Every
party that a frat throws has the commitment of an entire sorority, or most of
them, to come. After that, the party is not exactly an open invite for anyone
to come that wants to. Just ask the groveling freshmen who will do anything to
get in””my favorite attempt being find 5 of the fattest girls from your hall to
help out your “ratio.” Do I like that this is the way the party scene at Lehigh
works? No (well, kind of), but I do have some theories as to why it is this
way:

 

1. One fraternity, filled
with the biggest group of anti-poon imaginable, could never get girls to come
to the sausage fests they called parties. So, the closest guy they had to a
social told a sorority that not only would all of the booze be paid for, but
they would give them RIDES too. That conversation went something like: “You
mean we don’t have to walk a couple hundred feet from our house to the party??
Of course we’ll come!!” Once this method continued to work and caught on to
similar houses, other frats had no choice but to adopt the burden in order to
compete with the norm.

 

2. One promising social
was juggling several girls in different houses, and they were obviously
oblivious to the idea that every man dreams of polygamy. Whenever his house had
a party, at least two of the chicks would always show up, so he was forced to
do the impossible and choose just one for the night. Tired of all of these
decisions and unable to pull off a threesome, he started to schedule one closed
party a week for every house he had a lay in. Other socials aspiring to achieve
“Mormon wives’ status fell in line with this trend and created the perfect
system for balancing their hookups.

 

3. Lehigh is retarded and that’s
just the way we do shit, like registering for classes at 7am while still drunk.

 

Imagine asking someone “who do you have tonight?” and their response
being “everyone.” It gives me a half chub just thinking about it. Until then,
keep going hard in the paint with whoever is on your schedule for the night. It’s
never stopped us before.