For those of you who are just like me and are blessed with
having to suffer the consequences of last night’s excessive alcohol abuse EVERY
SINGLE MORNING, this is for you!


I’m one of those special people who
gets to feel like shit after a long night of fratting and taking
bankers to the face. Guaranteed most of you will experience at least one of
these this week during Lehigh-Laf”¦


1. The In-Class Hangover: Most Shameful

You wake up thinking, “I should go to my class!” because
you’re still hammered and you don’t know any better. About 20 minutes into the
lecture, you begin to understand that the devil is in fact real, and you get a
taste of the true meaning behind human pain and suffering. The gut-wrenching
urge to smash your face on the desk repeatedly and die in front of your
professor begins to overwhelm you. It’s so blatantly obvious you feel this way because
of the excessive dry heaving, perspiration, and escapes to the bathroom that
nobody can look away.


2. The Hospital Hangover: Most Desired

Before you judge me for dubbing this hangover “most desired,’
let me defend myself with two words: Intravenous therapy. Because of these
astounding fluids (and who the fuck cares what they actually are) it’s
literally impossible to attain a hangover. You feel amazing and you’re ready to
start drinking again. The only setback is that people make you feel bad because
they had to call an ambulance for you the night before. Hey, just ignore them!
They’re jealous! Fuck the hospital bills, citation, pissed off parents, and dirty
hospital personnel; you don’t even remember getting there! I would kill to have
this VIP treatment every morning.


3. The High Hangover: Most Relaxing

So what do we do when we wake up so hungover our heads feel like
they were repeatedly smashed with a keg in our sleep? I don’t know about you,
but I can’t think of any other solution besides getting fucking ripped. You
probably feel a little more fucked up than usual afterwards, but who cares? The
thought of stuffing your face with a bacon egg and cheese doesn’t repulse you
anymore. In fact, you would kill your family pet for one. You start making moves
and texting everyone you know with a kind soul and a car. If successful with this
conquest, you would have never felt so content with a hangover. Falling asleep
has never been easier.


4. The Drunk Hangover: Most Productive

We all know what people say: When you wake up feeling like
you got beat up and gangbanged by 16 convicted felons, drink the nearest source
of alcohol you can find. Isn’t that why we have morning cocktails? The first drink
is the hardest to get down, but it’s crucial
that it’s coursing through your veins before the hangover shakes take over.
Sure, you’ll probably start yacking uncontrollably, but don’t give up! Once you
reach the point of intoxication, you’ll laugh because you feel like a deity and
you get to call everyone else a pussy. There is no more productive way to begin
the day than by starting the night extra early.