Dear Hammer Lab-
Thank you for not having enough logon servers as there are computers. It is awesome to know I can print out my final paper worth 50% of my grade at any time with the fun of playing a little Logon Roulette. It is a constant reminder tuition is 50 grand a year.
The Student Body
Dear Blue Beetle-
I am worried about you. You always seem to be in a rush, but never seem to get anywhere anytime soon. Please take your time to pick me up. It’s not like I am going to Target for food shopping or need to get to the city to pick up my film and then visit a museum for a term paper not that is any of your business.
The Poor & Hungry Arts Student
Dear Dutch Treats-
Thank you for keeping your food prices SO LOW and ACCOMODATING. Now that I am entering the real world, I truly fear where else I can go to only pay $7 for a box of Cap ‘N’ Crunch.
The Delusional Rich Kid
Dear Public Safety Officer-
Thank you for not calling my folks when you wrote me a summons that one time for smoking pot in my car. I’m a much more responsible pot head. I only ever got mean and green in the intramural fields from then on. Be sure to come by before I move out and I’ll slip you a brownie.
Dear Dumb Freshmen (NOT FIRST YEARS, WE’RE NOT IN HOGWARTS!!!)-
I love when my eyes are bloodshot from sleep deprivation and I’m fueling myself with Redbull via an IV, writing a 15 page term paper, you yell how drunk you are in the parking lot, and proceed to scream “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen at the top of your lungs.
A Hopeful Grad Student
Dear Entertainment Unlimited-
Thank you for providing free movies every weekend. It really gave me something to do before I discovered alcohol.
My Freshman Year
Thank you for the promise of 10x as many Ramen Noodle dinners as I am already having now. Your endless list of job applications, interviews, rejections, college payments, and series of bad roommates is a delight to dote on. Take your time though. Wouldn’t want to see you trip and fall. Let me see, is there anything else? Oh, yeah! Go the FUCK AWAY!
Hofstra’s Senior Class of 2012