We’ve all experienced it: You’re in biology lab, and your
professor thinks he’s the next Dane Cook.
He keeps laughing, but all you hear is silence. The girl next to you is
chewing gum and popping it really loudly. What’s a kid to do? Take notes?
Listen? No way, college is for partying, dude. But in most boring college
classes, you’ll see some patterns… the kids that have mastered the art of
speeding up time.
#1) The “On His Laptop” Kid
This is one of the most common
culprits in classrooms across the country. What’s he doing? Just checking The
“Book,” oh Jess and Chad broke up? Scorrreee. Who’s the hottie from across the
hall? Her profile is private? Shit, this is awkward. Does she have a boyfriend?
Is he big? Never mind, if she chose to not have her profile public, she’s not
worth it, bro. Ah, gotta check the sports scores. Islanders? Lost. Knicks? Eh.
Giants? Ahhh yeah.
#2) The “Texting Fiend”
This girl is relentless, her thumbs
have magical powers, and she is the gold standard of texters. What’s she up to?
Well, did you hear Jess and Chad broke up? Chad winked at her at a party once. Devastating”¦.but she cant help herself, those big blue eyes. Oh, Tom just texted her
informing her that “he just wants another chance, babe.” Ew”¦GTFO. Oh damn, big
Kegger tonight on Clemente? Gotta find my highest heels. It’s 10 degrees tonight? PERFECT, I have to bust out the mini-skirt.
#3) The “Stare Into Space” Guy
What’s he looking at? I mean how
many times can you look at that solar eclipse poster before going blind?
Doesn’t he know that if you stare for that long your eyes get stuck like that?
I think I saw it in a science magazine once. Yup, you read that right, a
SCIENCE MAGAZINE, I swear to God, that’s what it was called. I know, original.
#4) The “Naptime” Guy
Come on, we’ve all done it, you
just couldn’t help yourself, that all-night Office marathon was meant to be
watched. He drools a little on the desk and you poke him when the professor
smartly asks him a question. Disoriented and confused, he answers “7” to the
question of “what is the emotional center of the brain?” Everyone laughs and
the poor boy is emotionally scarred for life. Better luck next time, dude,
that’s why they invented Netflix”¦so this shit would NEVER happen.
#5) The “Bathroom” Girl
Too much Starbucks? Too much
Redbull? Who knows, but this girl goes to the bathroom more than Snoop Dogg in
the 80’s. How much makeup can a girl need? Her single strand of hair is annoying;
I get it, but really? I mean, I got to give it to her, she likes to look good”¦.
If you look hard enough these
characters start to emerge. Who are these people? They’re just average Joes that like to have a good time like you and I. You can see them at the bars, the
Student Center and Wal-Mart perusing the bargain DVD bin. But they might be the
most genius of us all. Who really
wants to learn about the Russian Revolution? Anyone? Yup, that’s
what I thought.