Fifteen hearts beat as one. Seven backs divided the speed
like elves that race as fast as their lives are long, and pass the ball as accurate
as an arrow shooting into an orc’s eye. Eight forwards divided the muscle;
brute trolls commanded by the world of man to smash body against body, scrum
after scrum. All of this to control one ball; one ball to rule them all.
However, this ball is no ordinary ball. It is egg-shaped, reminiscent of a
bruised testicle, an inflated football without laces, or an ankle after forty
minutes of some fat ogre on the other side constantly rolling on it like it’s
still in its mother’s womb.
MMF Hofstra Rugby has returned to Hofstra debuting against the SUNY Maritime
Merchant Marines. The opposing coach resembled Gimley, a short, stout man, who
had incurred many injuries from a lifetime of wars pitting man against troll
against elf. The cigar that protruded from his chapped lips smelled of Mordor’s
brimstone meadows, and stared down his team with an all-seeing eye. The MMF
coach stood as strong as Aragorn, but was as wise as Gandalf the Grey. However,
he is still not as good as an actor as Ian McKellen. The new MMF assistant coach
does not fit in the Shire though. He is an outsider like an American in
Vietnam, like Rambo* -still maintains his ability to be badass, something every
rugby team is required to have. Otherwise, you are just playing soccer. Also,
he is a better actor than Sylvester Stallone just to clarify for any curious
cats out there.
To prepare for
what was expected to be a cold-weather struggle of Middle Earth onslaught a.k.a
rugby, two members of MMF, Frodo Rogers, and Samwise Karlin planned to dig a
home into the hillside neighboring the valley in which the great battle was to
take place. Unfortunately, they found the coach’s churchwarden pipe, and smoked
what made the wise wizard’s illusions into real magic.
Now, in case
you are still confused about rugby’s comparison to Tolkien’s masterpiece of
novels, we need to break down Hofstra Quidditch. They are playing with sticks
between their legs. You know what the MMF rugby team has between their legs
when they play, and don’t ask what the women’s team has. Just know, it is more
awesome than a broom. All the main characters from the world that quidditch
descends from are students who use wands like we use iPads, and smart phones.
Big deal! Like the soldiers of Gondor, Isengard, and Rivendell, rugby players
fight with the weapons they have, kicking orcs right in the nuts. In quidditch,
one person actually just spends the whole game running around the field like a
chicken with its heads cut off, and is made out to be a snitch**. In rugby, one
person leads the pack to make sure his fellow man gets the ball(s) in his hand,
and is made out to be a hooker***.
Rugby is a man’s
sport where men are comparable to works of literature higher than a tenth grade
level until the brain damage of concussions and beer kick in. Quidditch is the
Dungeons and Dragons of made-up sports; no one seems to be getting laid for the
*Rambo=BAMF. Any questions?
**One player just runs around randomly during the whole
game like some streaker at a REAL sports game. Way to inspire your readers, Ms.
***The sex is free, but gripping the ball and has its
difficulty. No payment is necessary. Seriously though, just look up what a
hooker is in rugby. I promise it won’t make you a communist, ok?