So last Tuesday, I get out of class at like 6:00 PM, and these big guys wearing t-shirts, and pennies with Greek letters on them are running around in this big relay race all over campus. I’m going to the library to grab some coffee when this guy eats it right in front of Hofstra Hall. At one point he ‘s running balls deep, and I guess he slipped on some bitch’s cigarette ashes or something ‘cause next thing I know he sleeps and the whole side of his face kisses the pavement. It was like a NASCAR crash, but with people, and only one person was affected, but still awesome. He got right up, but he didn’t know which way was right, didn’t know which was up and down, hell he didn’t know where was going. Good thing his “bro” was there to get him. I hope I am using the term “bro” correctly there.
After wallowing, and crying in my room over all my term papers I have to write this semester, I tried to grab some dinner with a study buddy from psyche class at HofUSA. By tried, I mean all these same big guys in shirts and pennies are there, but girls are there too. Those are “sisters” right? I know they are not blood related or anything, but if they get drunk and make out with each other, is it still incest? I think I’ll bring that up at the next philosophy club meeting. Anywho, I get my sampler, when all these dudes and chicks start hassling me about how much they want me to go into the theater at 8:00 PM. I don’t remember which ones I saw. Their shirts had triangles and Ts and As, and circles with the line going through, and one shirt even just said 3.14 and I was all like “is that Pi?” and they were all like “Hell yeah!” They said it’s for love, to which I said, “Show me some love and leave me alone”, but I was only able to say that in my head, because I find myself nervous when surrounded by guys with arms bigger than my thighs and asses tanner than my face. You don’t want to know how I know that thing about their asses, but I know.
On Thursday, the same guys and girls were having some sort of formal in HofUSA. Unlike formals today, in a Greek week formal, everyone wears a dress including the guys. I wonder if the Pride Network co-sponsored that event. It is very admirable of Greek Life to stand up for the LGBTQ community. I was able to finish this paper on Betty White’s masculine presence in Hot in Cleveland, and decided I earned myself a Thirsty Thursday at good ole McChibbles. Unfortunately, all these dudes in dresses showed up. After a while, I began to think something was up, because there was a whole bunch dressed like Fred Flinstone. Those guys were so dope, until one of them turned into Bam-Bam and clubbed me over the head with a bottle. He yelled at me for going for his fruity pebbles. I was soooooo drunk, so I just apologized and left.
On Friday and Saturday, I could not play foot-fairy soccer with my friends, because all those Greeks were taking up the fields. The guys were playing softball. What kind of guy plays softball? My dad works for a small accounting firm, and they have a company softball team. Are these guys already prepping for mediocrity? Then on Saturday morning, I’m heading to the gym, and they are doing tug of war. This one red-headed Jewish kid almost got his head ripped right off. It was totally sick. He was on all fours pulling with the rope around his neck, and the rope must have been Scorpion from Mortal Kombat, because it was all like “Get over here!”
I could not play basketball at the gym either, because they were playing dodgeballs and basketball all over the place. After this point, I was just thinking “This is elaborate!” I wondered how they kept track of everything, because I did not see any referees or anything. If I were Greek, I’d probably be ball-tapping everyone on the court. No blood, no foul. I asked some dude in a green hoodie when this would end, because it said “Greek” on his person and he was all like “you should probably leave.” So I did, but then I did not go back. Hopefully, everything will go back to normal this week. Big guys in pennies scare me.