Cinco de Mayo is remembered as a day by many a Mexican to celebrate their freedom and independence from European powers. It is also a holiday where many an American forgets their intolerance for tequila and gets super shwasted. At Hofstra University, where the student body is more diverse than degrees offered (Hello shameless unpaid plugs!), we are not afraid to honor Mexico on this proud day via dollar store sombreros and frozen margaritas.
However, this year was different, because our Cinco de Mayo was emphasized by Music Fest; an annual one-day concert for Hofstra students mainly attended by people under the influence of various legal and illegal substances that may or may not cause seizures, hallucinations, granting short-term super powers, or turning one into a pineapple…a most delicious pineapple. There were various music artists, free food, $4 beers (Rip-off!), and even carnival rides for the freshman to enjoy. The highlight of this six hour concert must have been the performance of the band, Foxy Shazam. Whether or not you know who they were, after their performance, nearly everyone in the crowd scrambled for napkins to dry off their pants for we had got the shit rocked out of us. Okay, it was just me, but it was that awesome.
By awesome, I mean that performance had everything you could ask for. They had Hawaiin shirts, various expressions of facial hair, their bass player was wearing a t-shirt in support of another band, and the keyboardist breathed fire. Freaking fire, people! Dragons can be musically talented; so I am glad that debate has been settled. Of course, all the ladies and a few men could not take their eyes off the trumpet player who would use his trumpet as anything but a trumpet when not using it such as a baton or a lady part men may like to stick their personal water hose in. On top of it all, no rock show is really a rock show without a little hint of danger and the fear that your life may end any second. No, I am not talking about how loud the speakers are, but something better. The lead singer with a mustache so glorious the gods declare it their equal, requested for a cigarette from the crowd. After lighting four cigarettes at once, the singer did every REAL man would do with four cigarettes in his mouth and ate them, hot end first, because filters are for pussies*.
After the show, many students cried for fear that nothing would ever be so sexually satisfying ever again. No matter though, because ole Foxy had a few more Shazams to cast before leaving Hofstra. Like the strangest and best version of “Where in the World is Carmen San Diego”, the fire-breathing, trumpet-abusing, cigarette-munching mates of Foxy Shazam were scattered and seen throughout the night. From enjoying some hot coffee at Dutch Treats to enjoying a dutch with a couple hotties at a house party, the indie super troupe became Gods amongst men and horny freshman girls looking for a sex story they can tell their children some day. This band never left, though their fellow headliners like The Cults and A$AP Rocky were long gone. I guess if you’re going to play for a college crowd, you’d might as well play with the college crowd too. It became a real goose hunt in hope of catching sight of members of the band, take an awesome picture of it, and tweet to your heart’s content.
At 3 AM, only a handful of students claim to have discovered Foxy Shazam in the center of the intramural fields. There, the band had formed into some strange being beyond the comprehensible function of the students witnessing who were -and I quote- “tripping their balls off”. I do hope I am using that phrase correctly. The being Foxy Shazam had become was indescribable, but it was said to have razor sharp teeth, fluorescent wings, the fur of the lion, and a beard more glorious than if the beards of Zeus and Jesus fused together. Whatever this creature was, it rocked just as hard as the band did earlier that day making A$AP Rocky lose all sexual drive. Though he was gone, he knew he could not compete with the Shazam.
*Much better than saying Scaredy Cat, I know.