Being a commuter
can be tough. Whether you’ve
decided to live at home to save money or because you couldn’t part with your
stuffed animals, the commuter gene is a part of your DNA. Commuters like to
keep to themselves, and so they rarely disclose that they live at home. The only way to tell if someone is a
commuter, happens to also be the only way you can tell if someone is HIV
positive: You’ve got to have sex with them first.
Get to know us commuters. We’re
just as much a part of the student body as you are. Finals week is a perfect
time to bridge the commuter-residential social gap that has long plagued our
For those who are
stupid and don’t know, traveling through Hempstead isn’t a walk in the park
(Unless you’re walking though Eisenhower Park. Then, it’s a walk in the park). Instead
of streetlights on every corner, there are drug dealers. Instead of
restaurants, there’s a 24 hr. Mickey D’s.
How bad is your neighborhood, when Hooters is considered fine dining? As a Hofstra commuter I’m in and out of dirty areas more
frequently than Charlie Sheen’s penis. (Sorry Charlie). With finals week upon us, there are a few things residents can do to
help us commuters out, or if you speak Lon-GUY-land, do us a friggin’ solid:
If you’re stupid,
ignore this tip. No one wants to study with you. In fact, maybe you should
ignore this whole article, stop reading, and familiarize yourself with a mop.
If you just thought to yourself, “Why do I need to learn how to use a mop?” Go
ahead. I’ll wait”¦.
Splendid. Studying with friends can
be fun, but make sure you’re including the commuters. I’m usually studying at home in my bedroom and while my dog DOES
have a PhD in physics, she’s a dead-beat study partner. And commuters: invite
your Hofstra friends to your hometown! It literally doesn’t get any worse than
Sick of the campus
food? CPK cashiers out to get you? Friend a commuter and this problem solves
itself. We know where to get food off campus, and when to get it. Quiznos went
out of business right? WRONG. There’s a secret location a few miles from Hof,
right next to the also secret Krispy Kreme factory. What’s better than studying over coffee and a Krispy Kreme?
Three””Sleep With Us:
Get your mind out
of the gutter. Literally let us sleep with you! Dealing with traffic on the day of a final exam is like if
you were to be abducted by aliens, brought to their planet, bound, gagged,
tortured, and then brought back to Earth to take a final exam. Traffic can make the nicest people give
old ladies the finger. If you let us sleep in your dorms, we don’t have to deal
with the commute.
Sex With Us:
This one isn’t
related to studying, final exams, etc. Do it anyway.
In closing, finals
week is the opportune time to mend commuter-residential relations, and I have a
dream. I have a dream that the phrase “All students are created equal,” will one
day hold its true meaning. I have
a dream that commuters will someday live in a nation where they will not be
judged by the color of their automobile, but by the content of their character.
I have a dream that someday people will stop butchering Martin Luther King’s
legendary speech. I have a dream
today. I guess that means the Adderall is wearing off.