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Welcoming in
the New Year is a grandiose occasion for many Americans as well as those other
people that live in places not as awesome as the United States. In particular,
the college student is living during a time when New Year’s is coupled in with every other weekly excuse to get drunk. However, the New Year still maintains its own
celebration just like other times of the year. On St. Patrick’s Day, we wear
green in order to get laid. On Halloween, we dress slutty to get laid. On New
Year’s we get a designated time ““MIDNIGHT- for when we will be getting laid. To
the traditionalists of American collegiate culture I say “Bravo!”

The people we choose to spend the night with says a lot about who we are
and shows us who we want to be with in the 365 days that will occur before that “next
time” comes around. Not thinking that New Year’s is a special day is like
thinking that birthday sex is no different than getting laid on any other day. Not calling that girl again and no blowback to
follow is the icing on the cake. So on New Year’s never forget to blow out the

If you find
yourself working on the holiday, please recognize that you may have no friends.
This may be a good time to invest your pay in hard drugs and a bottle of Jack. If you DO have friends though (so sad really
that you think so), you might be poor (to afford alcohol and tell your boss to
shove it). Hope your choice of work is in a bar at least. Watching people drink
themselves into oblivion before nine o’clock, long lost lovers puking
side-by-side on the curb in the front, and maybe one guy adorned in those corny
sunglasses that spell out the year to come could be fun. Don’t be upset,
working on New Year’s is an opportunity for anthropological work. Have you ever
been sober watching people get drunk around you and then thought “Is that
what I look like?” A true learning experience indeed.

New Year’s is
a holiday like many others. The difference between kids and young adults though
is who decides to spend that holiday with their family. If you find yourself in
your grandparent’s house sipping sparkling apple juice and playing a game of Battleship with your younger nephews, you may be a loser (or just a computer
science major, but same difference). You’re in college. Family matters, but it
will be there for you when you graduate, for Thanksgiving, and when you come
home to have your driver’s license renewed when you turn 21. They don’t need to
be there for the only moment in the year where you can score at a specific time
(unless you’re trying to get with your cousin). If that’s the case, I say, ‘Hakuna matata.”

Now if you are
doing the college thing to do (there is no right or wrong) by getting drunk
with some friends, be it in your grandparent’s basement hiding from your family
or at a bar in the city, you should be congratulated for wising up. However,
don’t let anyone stop you when you continue to drink and everyone has quit past
midnight. Excess alcohol consumption is no longer a health issue. For the sake
of a joyous holiday, alcohol will be your proof that you did something this
holiday by not remembering a damn thing. Alcohol makes it easier to imagine
your chubby friend is a super model and alcohol makes your penis seem bigger
than a tic-tac to her up until ailment of the male reproductive organ
pertaining to whiskey settles in. I know you didn’t have whiskey all night, but
it happens. Alcohol also allows you to think about things in a new light; it
helps you realize flying off a roof is a brilliant idea. So go ahead. Drink
with your friends on New Year’s despite their complaints about majoring in
Latin, Greek philosophy, or Creative Writing. While their futures are bleak,
they are the best you got. And to my personal friends, who think such majors will
lead to a successful law school career, better hit the bottle of Jack harder
than you think you can.

Working means
you’re poor, hanging with the family hides your lack of friends and other
places to go, and drinking helps forget that you have to deal with both. So for
this New Years Eve to come, I say cheers.

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