You haven’t slept in three days, you can feel your eyes crusting over, and you swear you just saw a pink elephant dance into the reference section. That’s right – finals week is closing in on us. With the library open 24 hours, people can now focus in peace and quiet but nevertheless, douchebagery is at an all time high. I have no problem with you calling your dealer for some Adderall (more power to you!) but come on man, this is the quiet floor. Here are some friendly reminders to respect your neighbors before finals week.

Tip #1: Put your phone on vibrate.

Granted, we all love Superbass, but when I’m trying to work on my film paper, I could care less about that boom boom bass. Really. No Waka Flocka either. Hard in Da Paint has no business being played on the sixth floor.

Tip #2: Keep breathing to a minimum.

This goes out to all you mouth breathers out there: shut that shit up. Enough said.

Tip #3: Don’t be a creep and sit closely to people you don’t know. 

You know that rule in guy’s bathrooms where you never choose a urinal right next to someone? Same concept. Utilize this in the library. If there’s a booth open away from someone, take it. I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to finish a paper that was due a month ago without any distractions.

Tip #4: Share the outlets, asshole. 

There are four cubicles in one section with only two outlets. Do the math. Don’t be the jackass that wants to plug up their laptop and their phone. When I get that pop up screen saying that I’m on reserve battery, with only 1 out of 5 pages completed, I will take extreme measures to get that outlet. And I fight dirty.

Tip #5: Don’t ask someone to watch your stuff while you go run errands.

 I’ll watch your laptop for you but this is not the time to hit up Dutch Treats, get dinner, or go to a friend’s room. If I had to get up and leave, I would put a note that said, “DO NOT TOUCH”, but as we all know, that would only lead to people touching it. 

And finally, Tip #6: Put your goddamn headphones on.

We can only stand the little noise from Facebook chat for so long. And if you already have your headphones in, keep the music at a reasonable level. I want you to know that I can hear you listening to Jar of Hearts while you do your homework. I want you to know that’s mad gay. So keep it down. It’s late and I’m burning the midnight oil. I might just snap on you. The pink elephant that just danced across the room will join me in kicking your ass.

Hopefully you’ll keep these tips in mind during finals week and any other time you’re in the library. If you can’t follow these rules you shouldn’t be allowed in the library or around other humans. Now if you excuse me, the pink elephant was helping me develop a stronger film thesis.