Perhaps taking to heart my comments concering the competence and overall affectiveness of the public “safety” department, the Hofstra boner strokers and ass shakers (let’s be honest, the economy is tough) have decided to do something practical and useful for the entirety of the student body. In between handing over cash to Bernie Madoff and arrow hunting in the bird sanctuary, the people at the top here at Hofstra have decided to open up a whole new department in the field of public safety. Taking a page from the “Ron Jeremy Guide to Naming Things (and women)”, and at the same time realizing that simple euthenization of Hofstra red victims just wasn’t going to spread the guac anymore, they are implementing the “Hofstra Department of Pubic Safety.”
“This has actually been in the works for quite a while now”, says Hofstra Public Safety Chair Kivekset Sprengingu. “Ever since the CDC discovered that pants shttingly terrifying strain of germ, or osmosis jones or whatever they’re called, on a couch in the commuter lounge, we knew something had to be done.”
The CDC reported that the cells grow and reproduce (fap) at an alarming rate, growing about as fast as Jeffrey Dahmer’s penis at a funeral. The sexually transmitted disease for which the university gathers exactly 100% of it’s press, is becoming a problem so hard not even Keira Knightley’s nipples could cut through it.
Sprengingu added “…we all know the commuter lounge is like the subway at 3 am. We get some genuine freaks, creeps, and weirdos in there. A lot of ‘em are from the sketch as shit club ‘transcenDANCE’. With sex moves like that, they gotta be. It’s like a fucking Cirque du Soleil show in there, only without all the homos and birds or whatever.”
The Pubic Safety Department has begun their fight against Hofstra Red, dumping coke loads of Purell over the commuter lounge, dorms, bathrooms, and the bird sanctuary. The bird sanctuary because, as Sprengingu puts it, “most people don’t go in there, hell most people don’t even know it exists. I don’t even go in there. Most of the birds have turned to cannibalism in order to survive, and it’s the perfect spot for for a kinky, late night booty call. My secretary knows all about that.”
Students have been advised to re use condoms (I already do that), and “take it easy on the orgies. This isn’t Europe.”
Bono is also being recruited for aid, and will be doing a special benefit concert in the bird sanctuary.