Following a local community college’s increased instances of, accusations against, and various hipsters’ iPhone 3G webcam recordings of “straight creepin'” and “skank ass dope” activities, the federal government has, in a move unprecedented within the bowels of human history, taken swift action to deal with the pressing matter. Republicans in Congress, as a part of their ongoing quest to outlaw everything keeping me from welding my skin onto an airplane during take-off, have passed a law making “being goddamned creepy as Biden” a felony.
“Seriously. He’s always just…there,” said Senator Mitch McConnell. “He tried to pass this bill that would mandate we have a congressional black-light party every new years. And the worst part? His Ramones cover band, Blitzkrieg Biden and the Bops, would be the entertainment. Every fucking year.”
The creeper activity, which prompted the actions of the federal government, includes such freakshows as staring at the coffee machines in the student center cafe for a good 20 minutes without buying anything, loitering near the women’s bathrooms and humming 80’s power ballads, wearing gym shorts in the snow, wearing full-body trench coats and ten gallon hats in classrooms, and walking using wooden canes despite being not a day over 21.
“I went to get a bacon wrapped double decker triple cheese stack egg sauce breakfast sandwich this morning, with a Fappucino du Femme from Starbucks, extra frothy of course, when I saw this seven-foot-tall motherfucker with dreads, wearing combat boots, a beige brownish full body trench coat, and this pilgrim hat thing. He had a briefcase with a Ron Paul 2012 sticker on the side,” says community college student Sarah Ballsgobble.
Along with the recently passed law, which President Gingrich signed into law today using a pen carved of Sasha and Malia Obama’s femur bones, comes a provision calling for a full FBI investigation into “what terror hath awoke” on the grounds of the obscenely frightening community college.
“The hat had a buckle on it,” added Ms. Ballsgobble.
The investigation includes a full report on the history of the college, from its inception in 1965 as a result of a fraternity prank, to its current status as a prestigious center of higher education for single teenage mothers, fat dads who are hollow shells of their former selves, and elderly women with spinal meningitis.
The investigation team also plans a full archaeological dig in and all around the campus. During the dirty, filthy drill deep penetration of the ground below the structure, the team discovered the remains of an ancient, sacred Native American pedophile burial ground.
“We dug up this little twirled mustache preserved in amber,” says archaeologist Erik Krueger. “That, coupled with some art which matches previously uncovered Native American art, and what looks to be the demolished, bludgeoned pelvis of what we believe to be a seven-year-old child whose other remains had come to resemble baked ziti, really puts the nail in the coffin. The puny, tiny coffin.”
The Native American pedophiles are believed to have belonged to the tribe of Chief Smooth Like Criminal. “Really, this find is not surprising,” says head of the FBI, Sam Jackson. “Whenever something is built atop the cursed, eternally evil remains of the dead, forever-shrieking souls of Native Americans, it always brings desperation, loss, unconscionable tragedy and unbearable suffering upon all who inhabit the land.”
Added Jackson, “Just take the entire southwestern United States, for example.”