Attention students
of Hofstra University: A new species of brown-noser is currently lurking in our
humble slice of Hempstead-paradise. Just last month, scientists at UCLA have
noted a rapid and continuing increase in the presence of unique “suck-ups” on
college campuses across the nation. To quote a reliable bystander, “They be
climbin’ in yo classrooms and snatchin’ yo people up.” This up and coming breed
has left analysts baffled, and has come to be called the faux brown noser. They walk along the Unispan, they eat in the
student center cafeteria, and they occupy the front rows of classrooms all
across the south side of campus. 

Experts and
psychoanalysts have titled the breed as “faux brown-nosers,” because they talk
in circles until the professor is completely exhausted yet somehow believes
that he or she is a smart student. The faux brown-noser is remarkably skilled
at changing the subject discreetly, in a way that can hook listeners
indefinitely. One student said, “Just last week my professor asked if anyone
knew the meaning of the term “family branding.’ Somehow, one girl ended up
talking about her uncle’s drinking problem and her dead cat. It was
horrifying.” Experts are saying that if the faux brown-noser issue isn’t
addressed, we could see a monumental increase over the next 2-3 years.  “When a regular student hears a
brown-noser at work repeatedly, he or she is more inclined to use a similar
approach on other professors. It’s infectious,” says Dr. David Murray.

It is important to
raise awareness about preventing future cases of brown-nosing at Hofstra
University.  Here are a few tips to
prevent the furthering of suck-up domination:

Sit in
plain sight
“”Don’t hide in the back! This gives the suck-up complete control.
You want to be seated in a location where the professor can see YOU. This
prevents excessive eye contact between the professor and suck-up.

greet the professor
“”You don’t want to be associated with the brown-nosing
community. Your professor will have a great Thanksgiving whether you tell them
to or not. Being rude is “in’ right now anyway.

communicating with the brown-nosers
“”Should the suck-up of your class be
absent one day, DO NOT tell them about what they missed.  Extra-credit, like flossing, isn’t
going to kill you if you don’t do it.

“”Don’t even think about friending a brown-noser on Facebook. They
can spend an eternity in Facebook purgatory.

your hand
“”If you’ve got something relevant and well thought out to say then
say it.  If you’re talking, then Jessica with the “hello-kitty’ backpack in the
front row isn’t.

At the present
time, there is no treatment to rid brown-nosers of their annoyingness.  Scientists at UCLA are working on an
antidote, but until they develop one””prevention is the best protection. May God
be with us all.