As it turns out, Snooki is not the main character of the film, “A Clockwork Orange.” But she’s been as controversial. Known for her binge drinking and slurred speech, Snooki appears to be more pregnant than usual these days. The question on everyone’s mind is, who’s her baby-daddy? I’m here to tell you all that I know who he is: He’s a Hofstra undergrad.

What’s that? You want proof? Well I don’t have proof. All I have is my college intuition, not to be confused with my college tuition, which is just as shitty. Strong Island is Guido-centric—we’re like the Jersey Shore’s ugly stepsister. There’s not a day that goes by on the Hofstra campus where I don’t take a second look at a douche bag with a blowout of Pauly D stature.

“But Nick! There’s douche bags everywhere that look like Pauly D!” Yes, imaginary objector, this is true. But only a select few can say they’ve gotten a college education. For Snooki, it just makes sense that her baby daddy goes to Hofstra. She’s always wanted a college experience. One Hofstra girl commented, “Sure it’s possible. Snooki will mount anything. Not my cup of tea. Once you go Guido, say goodbye to your libido.”