Advisers, professors, parents, and your classmates all
want you to conform to an evil corporate machine that will give you a $200,000
piece of paper, a cubicle, and a B-hot girlfriend for the rest of your life.
What else does it give you? Money? Security? A cheap scaled-down house infested
with termites you thought you could try to flip when the market picks up again
(not anytime soon, Big-shot)? We at Hofstra say “NO” to all the corporate
takeovers and say “Yes” to the Occupy Unispan Protests. “We are the 99%, and
partly the 1% that gets to coast through college and have no debt”. I’ll admit
it’s not the best protest slogan in the world, but President Rabbi-Jewstein
felt the good ones made him feel bad about his childhood.
Back to the
point: there is a new semester nearing us very soon. If you have not signed up
for classes yet, need a new one, or just decided on a new life path,
then it is time to check out the brand spanking new classes that only Hofstra
University can afford to shove down your throat hole with a minimum of ten
e-mails a week. You ready? Let’s go!
Hofstra will be holding their second
presidential debate in the Fall of 2012 featuring President Barack Obama vs.
whatever recycled right-wing garbage the star-spangled elephants can piece
together. While Obama is busy trying to renew his contract with the American
people, the possibilities of a Republican nomination are undecided. There is
Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, or Michelle Bachmann’s monstrous creation:
Franken-Newt Romney. To prepare for this now, Howard Dean will be teaching a
course on the Dos and Don’ts of campaigning. In PSC 69F, Dean will teach you
the various styles of shakings hands (using the other hand to grasp the
elbow/shoulder, but not the crotch), and kissing babies (no tongue). Other
lectures include the Importance of Abstinence on the Campaign Trail and How to
Discreetly Flush Drugs From Your System. Any student enrolled in the class who
yells “Byaaaa!”* will be excused for the rest of the semester and will receive
a grade of F.
politics is no good, fear you not, silly American. Hofstra will be starting a
new academic program in its college of liberal arts, a B.S. in Philosophy. No,
the B.S. does not stand for Bachelor of Science and I’m surprised you even
thought it could. Dr. Goddess Noh-Wear will lead discussions from her new book,
Socrates Supplied It and Nietzsche Denied It. As more students enter
this program, we here at Hofstra hope that more students will realize how much
a philosophy degree is really worth: a steaming pile of Santorum.
It’s not just
about thinking about and destroying the lives of the 99% at Hofstra though, we
also offer a prestigious art program so suck on that, Adelphi! In fact, to
support the tired, disgruntled, and weakened souls of the art students here, we
now offer combinations of all styles of visual art in a B.F.A./Pre-Barista
program. You get real-life training on how to froth your milk and still manage
to not contribute to society, no matter how caffeinated you are.
also a very innovative school with the challenges it presents to students. That
is why the students in our entrepreneurship majors will get to go further than
ever before. Not only do they get $20,000 dollars to use for a business of
their own choosing, but they can now employ other students with lesser futures.
If your career in politics, philosophy, or finger painting doesn’t pan out like
your kindergarten teacher promised, then there is always working for the man.
One senior in the program wants to open a restaurant and is offering first dibs
to all drama majors that want to be one step higher than “Would you like fries
For Spring 2012
only, these programs will only be offered at an extra $5,000 tuition per
course, so get on the high horse now, before Rabbi-Jewstein hikes the prices up
to the Ivy League level. If you do not understand why our new opportunities are
more expensive, just remember you go to the wannabe NYU.
*Howard Dean for America 2004. Never Forget.