The month of March at Hofstra means one thing and one thing only for drama majors: Shakespeare! Lots and lots of Shakespeare. So much Shakespeare has happened, it’s an epidemic. So much Shakespeare, the students are annoyingly speaking in Middle English. So much Shakespeare that a freshman is fearing the Ides of March and regretting the name Julien. Some people just think such references are good enough to do something crazy. The Hofstra Shakespeare festival is underway again that 90% of the school has no idea exists. When asked why not enough students know about the annual festivities, most gave the answer they “were drunk, high, or both.” There is no fault on the drama department for this. Posters have been seen everywhere on campus advertising their mainstage show, Much Ado About Nothing. Unfortunately, many have also been found in crevices of the student center stained with a frat boy’s urine blooming with scents of Natty Ice and asparagus. The Shakespeare festival also times out poorly with the schedules of Hofstra’s proud body of hard drinkers. March means St. Patrick’s Day, and by the first of the month, our best and brightest are training for the epic day that begins with eggs and kegs and ends with Irish car bombs until you’re gone.
How can the Hofstra Department of Drama and Dance possibly compete with alcohol? That answer is elementary, my dear idiot: vagina. Not many people know this, but the word “nothing” meant a whole lot more in Shakespeare’s day than now. Nothing can also mean noting, as in taking note of a person. There is a lot of gossip that will attract any sorority and their soap opera watching, country club member moms. Nothing also means having “no thing” down there. Men havethingsbetween their legs. Women have no thing between their legs; they have nothing there at all. In better words, Shakespeare put nothing in the title, but it may as well have been called: Much Ado About Pussy.*
If we could change the title, there is no doubt, more people would listen to locker room talk in iambic pentameter. Then again, most of the performances start at 8:00 PM. The true Hofstra Strong know that is prime pre-game hours. Granted there are two Sunday performances at 2:00 PM, too, but that is prime hungover/recovery hours. Either way, Shakespearean students struggle to attract the school’s drinking program, many of which the actors have said are a part of, and have sacrificed precious training time to make this show happen. There is no actor in the company at Hofstra that can honestly say, “I’m sorry, I don’t drink.” Maybe some year in the near future, Hofstra will heel at their alcoholism and take in some iambic pentameter for one night. In the inevitability at the thought, we at least hope that the War on Terror will end or that marijuana will finally be made legal.**
*This is a TRUE fact!
**Hooray for hidden social agendas!