Then get at me, man! Has the moral code broken down at Hofstra University? Did Mitt Romney get elected president? Is this some strange bizarre world where women (Hillary Clinton) not only wear pants, but they do not own one damn dress!?!? Recently, at our prestigious country club of a university, posters advertising a candlelight vigil were vandalized in the student center. To the vandal in question: did that poster spit in your morning coffee? Did it threaten your life with a papercut? Maybe when you slept the previous night, you dreamt about a poster shoving a living snake up your ass and found yourself possessed to exact revenge upon the inanimate object. The answer is, “I don’t know!”
What you can do the next time you do not like something, try not looking at it. That would work so much better than scribbling and screaming “NONSENSE!” all over the physical representation of why you are socially awkward. Especially since the sad part is, the person who acted upon this innocent poster had no idea what he or she was doing. This was BEFORE April Fool’s Day. Everyone knows that an Ap-Fo’s* prank before the first day of April is like kissing a girl you just met at the beginning of the date, and you are not cool enough to be Woody Allen**. No matter how whiney and abstract you think you are, it is not going to happen.
This school has a beautiful campus. I know this, because the machine is always telling me with fancy posters they hang all over campus and videos of other students talking about how beautiful the campus is on a regular basis. Why do you want to ruin that? Why do you want to be ‘that guy’? Why can’t you just go back to New Jersey and spray some graffiti on a cow or something? Don’t have a cow, man.
For those of you wondering, “If I can’t vandalize a poster on campus, what can I vandalize on campus?” The answer is nothing. Nothing at all. Remember: at Hofstra University, you are not a person, you are a number, a 700#. The machine does not like it when 700#s act like people. Be a good number now.
I assure you, no acts of vandalism should ever be tolerated. You should definitely NOT glue a bottle of rum and a pirate hat to the statue of Thomas Jefferson in front of the student center and NOT write a sign asking good citizens to NOT commit mutiny upon his ship.
Also, you should definitely NOT glue a deck of trading cards to the statue of Plato creating a game of Texas hold ‘em for the old man and his bodiless fellow.
You may NOT record yourself riding the lions in front of the Adams Playhouse screaming “Ride like the wind, Bullseye!”
I dare you to NOT hang signs all over campus incurring the Occupy Unispan movement demanding the all administrative faculty that make more than half a million dollars to distribute the wealth and provide every new student with a handle of liquor of their own choice. It is definitely NOT a good time to ask the faculty to share the wealth.
A group of people should NOT let the Hofstra cats into the bird sanctuary “just to see what would happen.”
Finally, I beg that NO ONE hangs a lobster bib around Frederick Douglass’s neck in front of Monroe Lecture Hall and serve him rotten fish.
Mother of God! All the different ideas on how to vandalize this campus really ergs me. I wish there was some sort of person who cared about this campus to ensure that did NOT happen. If there a were a group of men and maybe a couple women, because I’m NOT sexist, that could look out for the public safety of our students and our campus, I would sleep better at night. Oh, woe is me. IF only these people existed. I know IF they did exist, I would want them wearing brown uniforms, and have the administration that makes more than half a million dollars a year (you remember them, right?) to buy them new cars every year so they can continue to casually stroll around campus to stalk me. IF these imaginary officers of our public safety could get segways next year, you should definitely NOT try to steal it and glue enough crap on it to make it look like the S.S. Enterprise.
*New nickname for “April Fool’s”. It’s going to be a thing.
**Annie Hall: Every awkward Jew’s dream girl.