After many
nights rolling in bed, struggling to sleep, President Barack Obama’s graying
hair and aging skin worries the nation. Unlike so many Presidents before him who
were already gray-haired, and had saggy white bags from the 1950s, Barack Obama is
slowly turning into a Morgan Freeman look-a-like. That means even when Obama is
aging, he ages so damn well. If Obama is doing it like wine, then Michelle [Obama]
must always be a fresh bottle of champagne; you always want to pop the cork.
Barack, like many presidents before him, feels the stress, constantly works, and
rarely spends time with family ““despite the fact his bedroom is down the
hall from his office. However, the guy still knows how to
make an executive decision like no other president before him in the last
twenty years. Barack does it with a pair of fresh gators, one fly Rolex, a Davidoff
pen, and a Padron cigar at the end of the day, because he is the boss. Barack
gets through it because he got so much swag, Joe Biden prays that it’s

Newt Gingrich does not think about such
things, especially since he seems to have aged into a pile of cottage cheese
and is readily prepared for his autumn years after he does not get the GOP
nomination. Gingrich is the same as the dumb floozies -both dedicated and
overly passionate- that he has been fooling around with all these years. both while married and bitterly divorced. While his campaign staff finds comfort in the
local Holiday Inn of East Jesus Nowhere, USA, Gingrich himself takes up residence in the local swampland ““even if that means stealing pool water to
make himself a mud patch to sleep in. Be careful when you vacation in June for
the New York primary. I heard that when Gingrich sleeps in sand, he enjoys doing
so in the nude. Please do not think less of him as a possible president of the
United States ““yeah, right– but sources indicate the sand against his skin
helps hide his wrinkly, old, whoopee cushion-like skin that would otherwise
collapse unto itself like a hot air balloon popped like a housing bubble in

Rick Santorum
is the country club nominee. He looks damn good in a sweater vest. He will have
a Manhattan at lunch, a straight scotch at dinner, and at home he enjoys a
lovely French Martini, because it’s so sweet and delicious like liquid candy.
Many people know about his “Google problem,” which indicates that his last name means something so vulgar that it dare
not be repeated on this website, for fear an authority figure would catch you
reading this very line and send you away to Gay Conversion Camp with Michelle
Bachmann. He is a plain man, and nobody expected him to go this far. This is because the majority of voters are age 38-50 or something like that. The 18- to 30-year-old voters in this country are too busy snickering at the definition of
his name to read his campaign platform. Which is okay, since most of it his pledge is to
get his golf score down to a 90 while in office.

Poor Ron Paul
is just a sweet old man, though. He seems to speak with a stutter, but always
manages to get a word out edgewise. Young people really seem to like him; too
bad the rest of Congress cannot seem to find the same link. Ron Paul is like
The Grateful Dead of the GOP: he sounds a whole lot better when you are high.
However, Ron Paul is also the Nostradamus of the GOP. He has predicted both the
collapse of the housing bubble and of Gingrich’s skin elasticity before any
data to support his claims appeared. If you don’t like any of the other
candidates, just imagine how cool it would be to have a psychic president.

Unlike the other three GOP candidates, Mitt
Romney finds his own asylum in a hyperbolic chamber for perfect relaxation.
There has to be some way to sound everything out if, as a Mormon, you cannot smoke, drink, or
even have a soda pop. We got an African-American President already, and that’s
great, but I ask you: is this country ready for a President of Latter Day
Saints? I guess people get lost in his eyes too quickly. Romney is the epitome
of Darth Vader combined with an Abercrombie floor model. He’s damn fine, knows
good politics, but if you fail him, he will not hesitate to crush you larynx by
thinking about it (i.e. Herman Cain).