As much of you know the annual Dance Marathon charity event was held at the O’ Connell Center this past weekend. It is known as the “Ultra” of charity events. There is lots of music and dancing, exhausted young people, and everyone is severely disoriented afterwards.
Even though three died in DM jail at the event, a spokeswoman told the basement that it was a success, “It was much less than last year. We don’t ever want someone to die but when they sign up for this they know exactly what they are getting into. We need to raise a lot of money and if you can’t pull your weight financially then you will feel the consequences.” The consequences include no food, no water, and no bathroom for the entire time in jail as well as a lifetime membership to FUBAR’s VIP section. Many commit suicide upon receiving the news that they are Very Important People at FUBAR. When asked how they are allowed to dole out this type of extreme punishment, the spokeswoman said, “It’s FTK. It’s For The Kids sir. I can do whatever I want as long as long as I say FTK after I do it. Do you not like children? Don’t question our tactics. We raised 6 billion dollars. Our system clearly works. Fuck off.” I then proceeded to fuck off.
In other news a young lady was reported to have been playing tonsil hockey with the local shrubbery outside of the O’ Connell Center immediately after the Marathon had ceased. According to reports she was so disoriented from the event she tripped over a railing, falling in to some bushes and began to fondle the bush as well as “make out” with the plant. We are still trying to retrieve as much footage as possible but it may be too graphic to put up on this respectable website. I have also been told by a source that this girl and the “Tree Girl” at Ultra are teaming up to film a Dendrophilia (look it up) Porno named “Two Girls, One Forest.” The film should be approximately 69 minutes in length.
Does a tree moan in the woods when no one is around to hear it? We shall soon find out.