Dear girl with headphones and a severe oral fixation,

Can you ever leave your mouth alone? You’re either biting the nails on your left hand, covering your mouth with your palm, or biting the nails on your right hand, as if biting the ones on your left hand simply wasn’t disgusting enough. Seriously, they have a place for girls like you who always need to have something in their mouths. It’s called the slutty sorority (you know who you are).

As for the headphones, I don’t care that you listen to music while you study. However, why do you keep pushing the ear-pads into your ears? Do your ears have abandonment issues? There’s a piece that goes over the top of your head for a reason. It’s there to make sure that the headphones don’t fall off!

Ugh, and there you are biting your nails again! Now you’re just biting your pinky. I bet you think you look all sophisticated, don’t you? Well, I’d like to point out that watching you bite your pinky is worse than staring at a female body builder. Do you have any idea how unattractive that looks? And the fact that you don’t seem to notice, well, it’s like watching a squirrel drop his nut from all the way at the top of the tree. It’s just sad.

Oh, and look at you now, with your hand curled up under your chin like you’re Rodin’s, The Thinker. Well, I have news for you girl; you are not Rodin’s thinker! Rodin’s thinker was a boy, and you are a girl. Wow, I thought this point was going to come across as a lot more specifically hateful. Oh well, swing and a miss, I suppose.

Overall, I do not dislike you as a person. In fact, I would love to get to know you on a deep, personal level, so that I could tell you things like, “Stop biting your nails,” and, “If you play with your headphones one more time I am literally going to rip them off of your head and stomp on them!” Sorry, that was a tad-bit aggressive. You’re just so damn fidgety, like a worm, but with legs and arms and all those lady parts that girl worms don’t have. I wonder how boy worms figure out which ones are girls, because they all look like pe…


Moderate Amounts of Affection,

Emory Basement