As a young “reporter” in today’s disgusting
world, finding an awful and tragic story, really, is not that difficult.
Despite all the bloodshed and unsettling events that occur constantly, there is
no event more unsettling, one so revoltingly immoral, than one found right here
on Emory’s campus.

For half of the Emory Community that is
stranded on campus without a car in their possession, they must rely on the DUC
for their nutritional needs. It is where we go to dine, and where our taste
buds go to die. All smartass compliments aside, it is time to expose this
heinous injustice.

Jimmy Fredrick, a local freshman and the
victim to this corruption, despite an initial reluctance in talking about the
matter, eventually exposed all in the most heart wrenching interview of the
century.

When asked what happened, Fredrick responded,
“To put it simply, Mr. Meanie took my ice cream!”

But it gets even worse.

“See this is what happened,” explained
Fredrick. “We have this serve-yourself frozen yogurt machine””an especially
delicious treat after every meal. Well, dinner closes at 8 p.m., but this
employee always starts emptying the machine out at like 7:30. I have been
getting there earlier and earlier, you know, to try and outsmart the guy””but he
is always two steps ahead of me!”

Injustice.

“So yesterday, I got to the machine at 6:27 pm.
Granted, that is 1 hour and 33 minutes before the time dinner should end. When
I get there, the same guy was emptying out the machine””but this time, laughing
at me; he even fell to the floor crying of laughter. So, I did what any
semi-rational person would do.”

“What did you do?” I asked him.

“I tackled him to the ground and started to
suck the ice cream out of his evil grips.”

Astounding.

As heroic as Fredrick’s actions might sound,
the University does not agree. Executive Manager of Dining had this to say:

“”In all my years serving food to our
students, I have never seen a case like this. This psycho broke four of
one of my best employee’s ribs. My employee, who now suffers from
post-traumatic stress, now refuses to work with anything below 50°F. It’s winter for fuck’s
sake, how is he even supposed to live?”

As a result of the event, which many students
are now referring to as “The Ice Cream Massacre,” Jimmy Fredrick has been
banned from all campus dinning facilities and is facing disciplinary action
from Emory.

Now, let’s take a real look at this situation.

Without ice cream, there would be darkness and
chaos. A brave soul has stood up to fight this indecency, for he too knows this
truth. But, the cruel hand of society, which places rules to keep fighting men
down, has challenged him. Luckily, he is no longer an ordinary man. He has
become a symbol””a symbol for frozen yummy treats. So we will ban him from
eating at the DUC; we will take his meal swipes. Because we know he can take
it. He’s not the hero we deserve or the one we need, but the one we’re kind of
stuck with cause no one else really gives a shit.

When asked what he would do, now knowing the
responsibility he now owes to us, the people, Fredrick commented, “Fuck it,
I’ll just go to Yogli Mogli.”