Dear Admiral Incrediboss,
I have trouble getting myself out of bed in the mornings to go to class. I have an alarm, but whenever it goes off I get up, open my window, hurl the alarm clock out and resume sleeping. Once my roommate tried to wake me up and I swear I did my level best to hurl him out too. Now he’s filed a restraining order and I’ve got to deal with maneuvering around my apartment all while maintaining a fifteen foot distance from him.
What should I do? How can I convince myself to get up on time?
Cody T. Wienerschnitzel
I think I may be able to help. What you need is one of my patented Happy ScorpionTM alarm systems. The Happy Scorpion is basically a box that you attach to the ceiling above your bed. When it’s time to wake up, it begins dropping venomous scorpions on you at the rate of one scorpion every fifteen seconds.
If a minute has elapsed and you’re still not out of bed, the box repositions itself and begins dropping scorpions directly into your gaping, drooling mouth. After two minutes have elapsed, the box begins to shake violently and play Nickelback music, thus agitating each additional scorpion as it is propelled in squirming fury towards your sleeping body below.
After three minutes have passed, the box repositions itself once again and begins dropping scorpions on your roommate.
But there’s more! The Happy Scorpion is American-made, and features 100% grass-fed, organic scorpions! Plus, it comes with a satisfaction guarantee: if you manage to stay in bed longer than two minutes with this cutting-edge technology, we’ll send you another one for free!
Hope that answers your question, Cody. And remember: scorpion stings swell up and throb for weeks, but the regrets of missing your 8:30 Bio class last forever.
- Admiral Incrediboss
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