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Happy Valentine’s Day !
It is terribly important that we all at Cornell, get A’s on every exam and every paper. But, the most important weeks of our year come in December and May. Finals week. From interviews and experience Cornell Basement has found that the ultimate key to success during Finals Week is sex. Yes, you can be... MORE »
In the past few weeks there have been numerous sightings of a new sorority all around Cornell’s campus. They have bags, they have sweatshirts and they even have a table at Ho Plaza. These girls are everywhere. But, where did they come from? Just yesterday a Panhelenic representative revealed that these girls are not just... MORE »
Every year, seniors at Cornell wonder who will deliver the convocation address at their graduation. Although they will barely remember the words said, it’s the biggest moment of their lives and want to be able to say someone influential shared the moment with them. With New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg speaking at graduation less... MORE »
yo library kid, i’ma let you finish regaining your pulse but i had one of the best life savings of all time!
Michael Hyon ’13 recently revived a student suffering a seizure in Kroch library on Monday night, proving to be Cornell’s very own EMS-reject hero. The Daily Sun quoted Hyon on his courageous rescue, who stated: “I wouldn’t say I”ˆsaved his life, but I”ˆhelped bring his pulse back.” So humble. Who knew that your pulse was... MORE »
This past week during a small lecture multiple students overheard one student call their professor “Mommy” after class while asking her to clarify an equation she had written on the board. “I was so confused” reflected one student, “but I felt bad for him, no one wants to call their professor Mommy, it’s just awkward... MORE »
Cornell University wants their students to be well put together during job interviews. No school wants students to portray their university poorly. So, due to the raging number of, coked up, 80s rock band groupies, coming out of Cornell, Ives Hall thought it necessary to post these do’s and dont’s of job interview attire. We... MORE »
Everyone at Cornell (except transfers…how come they get away with this?) has to take two gym classes and a swim test before they are able to graduate. For some reason it is important that we have both academic knowledge and have 6 credits worth of some physical activity knowledge. We are a well rounded university!... MORE »
For some time, cinema experts around the country have been puzzled by the question of how Adam Sandler could have been so funny in the 90s yet so bad in the past few years. After the release of Jack & Jill this past weekend, however, the authorities have decided that there could only be one... MORE »
There are obvious reasons as to why having your parents come visit you abroad is the greatest. First being the endless amounts of money since as we all know the only people who can afford go abroad are rich white Jews anyway. But it is nice to have the tedious task of carrying ones wallet... MORE »
Sophomore Emma Kirshin was sent home this week by Gannett health services after failing to display “an adequate level of cultish love and fervor” for her little. New sorority pledge and little Abby Tanger was upset when she entered her room to find only cookies, balloons, and candies. Standard protocol dictates that bigs must shower... MORE »
If you’re like me then your winter break has been jam packed with movies, and if you’re Jewish like me then these aren’t movies that you’ve paid for. I put more effort into researching a movie I might have to pay to see in theatres than I’ve put into my thesis. First, I check RottenTomatoes.com... MORE »
It’s the Christmas of college: Halloween weekend. Halloween was once known to all of us, in a much more innocent time, as the night where we dressed up as our favorite superhero and ate as much candy as our tiny tummy’s could hold before we puked. But now that we’re much older and wiser Halloween... MORE »
Proclamations of shock, distrust, and a hint of sexual frustration were heard across the Cornell campus as, on October 27, snow began to fall. Barry Valentine ’15 exclaimed, “I can’t believe it’s snowing in Miami at the end of October! What? We’re not in Miami?…. We’re in upstate New York?… oh then this is perfectly... MORE »
Professor Robert Johnson, a nationally acclaimed nutrition expert, has devoted his entire career to solving the obesity epidemic. “I have spent years traveling all over the country and the world trying to figure out why people in America are so goddamn fat.” After cross checking all of his references and eliminating all confounding variables, Johnson thinks he’s... MORE »
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Loch Ness monster, a good Nicholas Cage movie, Fall break. What do all of these things have in common? They’re not real. Come on, you didn’t really think you were going to get an entire 4 days off in the middle of the Fall semester did you? “But Yom... MORE »
Since the policy for fraternity parties has changed this semester, many freshmen have been left wondering Â€Âœwhere am I gonna get my keystone buzz on and rub up against total strangers?Â€Â Freshmen year without being crowded into the hot sweaty basement of a fraternity house and waking up in a “sober monitor” shirt (that you... MORE »
Due to the recent uproar on the part of both students and faculty President Skorton has finally decided to take down the fences. In place of the infamous fences Skorton has made the executive decision to fill in the gorges. Requests are now being taken to decide what the gorges should be filled with. Might... MORE »
For those of you who were captivated by The Pyrimidines and had to go back for more with the Pyrimidines Supplement I and still felt uneasy…well… wait no more. It’s finally here.. the Pyrimidines Supplement II!!!!! It will answer all the questions that The Pyrimidines and the Pyrimidines Supplement I didn’t answer like: Who writes... MORE »
You see this picture and think “I’d like to have sex there”. #1 on the list of 161 things to do before you graduate Cornell is sex in the stacks, and as a student I can’t say I’m anymore immune to this than the rest of you.. show me a dark creepy hallway that looks... MORE »