ITHACA, NY—Despite Cornell University’s prestigious reputation, ample academic resources, qualified professors and facility, as well as its aesthetically stunning campus, a former prospective student rescinded his application for the Fall 2012 Semester on Monday.
For John McDunnel, a local senior in a New Jersey high school, these qualifications and amenities were just not enough for him. According to McDunnel, an Ivy League education just could not match up to “wearing pajamas to class.”
“I don’t understand why Cornell Admissions is making such a big deal about this; its like they’ve never been rejected before,” said McDunnel. “I think they need to just grow up and face the facts. I found a better school—one that actually lets me wear my pajamas to class!”
James Provel, an Associate Cornell Undergraduate Admissions Officer, expressed more anger than anyone.
“I just don’t get it,” stated Provol. “We expected great things out of this boy! What does this online university have that we don’t have?”
The High School Senior McDunnel stated that he had “really good reasons” for deciding to attend the online college.
“You see, I applied to Cornell before I even knew about these online colleges. I was so naïve,” explained McDunnel. “But one day, while checked out from senioritis in a computer science class, I stumbled upon a really cool advertisement. There was this really cute girl, wearing nothing but her pajamas. The last thing I would have thought was that this girl was trying to advertise a university—but she was! And, she looked so comfy. I just wanted to be as comfy as her. Also, she was kind of hot.”
After going home, McDunnel did a little more research by watching more of these “pajama commercials.”
“In one of the commercials, the cute girl said that the online college will make me feel ‘smart’ and it will be ‘easy,’ stated McDunnel. “Those are the types of words I want to hear from my college. All those big words that Cornell uses, like ‘undergraduate” and “dormitory’ are too intimidating!”
“And then I got to thinking. This online college has a whole bunch of commercials, yet, I have never once seen a commercial with a cute girl in pajamas for Cornell.” McDunnel continued, “This online college must be better then!”
Despite what some readers might assume, McDunnel’s parents said they are not disappointed at all.
Mrs. McDunnel explained, “At first, I was upset because I thought he was purposely trying to ruin his life. His father also nearly had a heart attack and threatened to disown him. But then, I looked at the website and was pleasantly surprised. My little Johnny was planning on majoring in Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering at Cornell. But this online college also offers a specialized list of academic programs.”
At his new online college, McDunnel says he plans to major in Technology.
“And the good thing about this school is that it’s flexible,” he explained. “So if I lose interest in Technology, there are plenty of other programs that I can try like Science, Geography, and Reading.”
He added, “I want an education that will prepare me for the real world. That’s why I plan on wearing my pajamas in my parent’s basement for the next four years.”