Another semester finally over…time sure flies when you’re living the life of a pompous Ivy League douchebag! To give you a little recap of what happened, apost and I have joined forces to bring you the ultimate Cornell Basement (formerly known as BigRedMyCampus) semester in review. If we forgot something, well, let’s be honest – we were probably blackout drunk with our grandparents, so don’t mind us. Now go take a trip down memory lane:
Heroin(e) ““ Some students take out student loans,
others get part time jobs, and some students ““ such as Cornell senior Keri
Blakinger ““ push $150,000 of heroin. We don’t blame her though – you gotta
do what you gotta do to pay a tuition that equals to the same amount it takes
to raise a small child, so go big or go home! Our only advice to Ms. Blakinger? Try not to leave your syringes
lying around next time (and get a new facebook default
Cornell’s Dino Discrimination - Although Cornell may be a
prestigious university, people know little about how we discriminate. For
example, we refuse to let dinosaurs
ride bikes around campus. Completely uncalled for Cornell – I don’t think
the paleontology department would be cool with this”¦and if
we are such a “green’ campus, I’d say that best way to keep our campus
ecologically friendly would be to have dinosaurs riding bikes around.
Convention? Nope, it’s just Cornell Halloween - October 31st came and went on campus,
and Cornell girls celebrated through their annual tradition of running to the
Ithaca mall and dropping 60 bucks on an outfit that could be mistaken for a cut
up, shrunken children’s police officer costume. Freshmen
who were sheltered throughout high school and mistakenly dressed up in a costume that was actually
witty and took more than 30 seconds to think of were sadly disappointed.
Welcome to college, kiddies ““ if you didn’t know by now, the only way to get
that free Keystone is by showing some cleavage, so better luck next year.
Police – This semester, we all learned a valuable
lesson; don’t correct people’s grammar because it is really fucking
pretentious. Maybe if you’re their TA and you’re editing a paper, fine, that’s
cool, but after a nosy body got punched in the face for “trying to be helpful’
it should be something taken seriously by everyone, not just Cornellians. Me
and Johnny or Johnny and me”¦shit don’t make a difference.
A? Sucks for you! ““ When CourseEnroll came around in
November, Cornell students scrambled to find classes
that gave A’s out like candy in return for a minimal effort on behalf of
its students – too bad they don’t exist. Ezra Cornell, who couldn’t stop
laughing in his grave at the stupidity of his university’s students, simply
said, “after realizing that the purity of the students had long been gone for
quite a while now, I just said “fuck it’ and ruined all your lives by mandating
a 95% asian-american acceptance rate and introducing Orgo into the pre-med
curriculum. Suckaaaas!”. A.D. White declined to comment.
School Closes -
of Education closed this semester, and because Education at any college or
university is pretty silly, it seemed just as useful to replace the school with
a Department of the Redundancy Department. To add insult to injury, I decided
to poke some fun at the ILR school since every class there is basically about
the same thing. Ah yes, unions.
drinking is VERY bad ““ The university caused quite a
ruckus this fall when it introduced a non-negotiable University
Recognition Policy that basically sucked all the fun out of the Greek
system. The changes included making all open frat parties dry, banning freshman
from said open parties, making new members wait to have any sort of fun during
the pledging period, and prohibiting frats from importing Syracuse strippers to
their house for the sole purpose of humiliating the shit out of potential
pledges during dinners that are affectionately titled names such as “titties
and turkey.” When asked what the point of the policy was, associate dean of
students for fraternity and sorority affairs Travis Apgar replied that he wants
“students to get out there and explore everything Tompkins County has to
offer,” including his favorites, cow tipping and Walmart people watching.
Cornell’s New Approach to Security - This year, Cornellians received a
record high number of 6 security
alerts from Cornell and Ithaca police. There was much hubbub about
shootings that took place on some street no one ever heard of, but do not fear
Cornellians, because around campus we still kick it confederate style with
cannons…don’t come round here!
Your Major?” “Dyson.” ““ This semester, Cornell grad Charles Dyson donated 25
million dollars for the sole purpose of converting the AEM school to the
“Charles H. Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management.” Sounds legit, sure, but I’ve been
seeing a lot of you AEM majors running around telling people you’re in the
“Dyson school.” Be a little more fucking pretentious, I dare you. You’re still
an AEM major, get over it. Poor Charles. He should of just donated the money to
a more worthy cause, like our website.
Drives Student to Insanity – During finals
week, sometimes it feels like we’re in an alternate universe where all we
can do is study and eat packaged foods, which can make anyone go cray cray.
This picture was the result of just that, a student possessed by his work”¦lies.
The actual story is pretty lame; a food delivery guy got impatient because the
stupid kid who ordered the food didn’t pick up his phone so the food delivery
guy just busted in”¦but hey, it could have happened.
Four Loko ““ Yup, you’ve heard about it a
million times, and even had to endure the Daily Sun’s strangely accurate portrayals
of a Loko-free
world in their articles. While I won’t say anymore about this particularly
grief-ridden topic, I will say that if any high schoolers out there need their
fix, I’ve got some extra cases under my bed. If I learned one thing from my
economics class, it’s that you people are dumb as shit and would buy a Loko for
at least $20 a can, so call me
Library Rivals Walmart – Black
Friday at Cornell this year came on the first Saturday of finals at
Cornell’s Mann Library. When the doors opened at 10 AM there was a line from
the circulation desk out the library door passed mandibles and out the front
door. Next time bring your own chargers and laptops or just relax bitches.
By now, pretty much everyone’s seen the video of the infamous Professor
Mark Talbert of the Cornell Hotel school freak
out at some poor kid who yawned too loud during his weekly Friday afternoon
lecture. It’s been posted on every website known to man, along with multiple
autotune remixes ““ yet to this day no one knows exactly who the yawning culprit
was. While some say it was one of the TA’s, others think it was the professor
who did it. All I gotta say is that now would be a good time to tell you it was
me. Yup, I was the one who yawned. Sorry I’m not sorry.
Text and Run – Although Oprah never came to Cornell to
make anyone sign shit, Cornell’s Fitness Centers (CFC) have decided that it is no
longer safe to text while on the equipment at the gym. They are
“encouraging’ students to leave their phones while they work out, which makes
sense, it’s tricky to text and run at the same time…we humans are not that evolved
yet. So far this semester, students were more likely to follow the rule of not
texting than the rule of not signing up for more than 30 minutes on the cardio
is Freed ““ Lil Wayne was freed from his 8 month stint
in jail this November, marking one of the most
exciting moments in Cornell history for the last century. White girls
everywhere flocked to their TVs to watch Weezy walk out of Riker’s Island jail
on the morning of November 4th, crying tears of joy and empathizing deeply with
the plight that he endured while locked up. While some students questioned what
the big deal was, Wayne’s followers simply shook their heads and cried that
“they just didn’t understand”, relating his time behind bars to their rush week
sophomore year when they couldn’t leave their sorority house for 4 days becuase
of their intensive hot chocolate brewing. Poor girls…
Toilets – This semester we ranked the top
10 bathrooms at Cornell. Inspired by a friend who told me he frequents to
the Statler Hotel to poo, I asked around and created an algorithm that
included, traffic, cleanliness and easy access. There was a lot of controversy
with the list and so next semester we hope to continue our research and make a
is Bob Saget ““ After a week full of Bob
Saget sightings that occurred earlier this year on campus, we finally got
to watch the fruit of his efforts a few weeks ago on A&E’s “Bob
Saget’s Strange Days,” where he paraded around Cornell’s Seal and Serpent
Society to become an honorary pledge and make plenty of awkward, creepy
comments to anyone who would listen. As a result of the episode’s premiere, all
of America thinks that all Cornellians wear suits and ties and incorporate big
words such as “oligopolist” into our sentences on a daily basis. See ya later,
future applicants ““ now you really know that we’re a bunch of freaks!
The Streets Turns Away Organization – After four years
of high school community service to try to build up a resume to get into
Cornell, students are continuing their service at Cornell’s largest
day of helping. The Chinese Bible Study Group had 14 groups of 12 people
sign up to participate. Into the Streets had to tell them they did not have
enough sites for them to work at. They were not happy. Maybe next year Ithaca
will be a little more fucked up and there will be more places to fix up.
at Cornell – There are a few areas of Cornell that
have been known to resemble Hogwarts
Schools of Witchcraft and Wizardy, nbd, but as if we couldn’t get nerdier
here if you tried to purchase tickets at any theatre in a 30 mile radius of
Cornell for the midnight showing of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1
you would be out of luck. Tickets sold out faster than they did for the Kid
Cudi concert or Men’s Hockey season tickets. No jokes here.
in the Library – This semester you learned different
tips for masturbating in the library, because we all know how much time
Cornell students spend there”¦sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. At least
now you won’t be disturbing anyone else around you”¦oh and I forgot to mention
in the article, don’t forget hand sanitizer
That’s it. The end. You’re beautiful. We love you. See you next semester!